Jamie Oliver wearily wanks out yet another f**king cookbook

JAMIE Oliver has wearily dumped yet another book of recipes, photographs and shit onto the market. 

The celebrity chef, who has been stuck in this fucking rut longer than he can remember, tiredly admitted the new book is the same old bollocks with a different cover on the front.

He continued: “I was going to skip this year because I just cannot stand it anymore.

“But then the publisher says he’s got the presses ready, and I say ‘surely I’ve done everything,’ and he’s like ‘Tesco have bulk-ordered 30,000’ and I’m like ‘well whatever’ so, once again, I’ve crapped something out.

“Near 20 years these have been coming out now. Remember when I was the Naked Chef? A lifetime ago.

“Anyway, new fucking book, buy it or don’t. You’ll never make anything in it anyway.”

Jamie Oliver’s Together: Memorable Meals Made Easy is out now from Michael Joseph, priced at £26.

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We have principles but they’re incredibly weird, say Tory MPs

CONSERVATIVE MPs have confirmed they do have principles they would resign over, but that they are strange and obscure. 

Following the resignation of Zac Goldsmith over the decision to expand an airport, other Tory MPs have revealed they would quit over points of principle ranging from invading Russia to Kit Kat producing a limited edition espresso variant. 

Chesham and Amersham MP Francesca Johnson said: “People think just because we’re indifferent to human suffering and only love money that we don’t have principles. Untrue. 

“I, for example, would have resigned in protest had the cronut not come to London before the end of 2016, while my colleague was poised to quit if Peggy Mitchell’s funeral didn’t feature a Ross Kemp cameo. You’ve got to admire that. 

“We’ve had MPs willing to quit over the pasty tax, over immigration, over Stormzy not being named poet laureate – thankfully good sense prevailed, he’s announced next year – and over mice not creating traditional archway mouseholes in skirting boards any more.”

Johnson added: “And then there was the large contingent who threatened open rebellion if the UK wasn’t driven to economic suicide to satisfy their hatred of foreigners. 

“But we gave in to them, obviously.”