Jimmy Savile’s corpse collection up for auction

THE collection of stuffed humans owned by the late Sir Jimmy Savile, rated as one of the finest in the world, is to be sold at auction.

Sir Jimmy owned close to 3,000 corpses at the time of his death.All have been professionally preserved, though some have suffered damage from excessive restoration.

The majority of the dead have been arranged in tableaux from Sir Jimmy’s life, ranging from a marathon run to a performance by Pan’s People on Top of the Pops.

The centrepiece of the collection, six Cub Scouts posed on a rollercoaster and described as ‘showing some marks of wear and tear’, is expected to fetch £200,000.

Auctioneer Denys Finch Hatton said: “This is an outstanding collection spanning generations, and I can assure buyers there is no doubt about their provenance.

“Every corpse has signed a legal waiver giving Sir Jimmy all rights to their mortal remains, usually in the form of a PS on their letter to his popular show Jim’ll Fix It.”

All money raised by the auction will go to Sir Jimmy’s favorite charities.

At the DJ’s request, Sir Jimmy’s own preserved cadaver has been housed in a Leeds tomb which opens to the public for the summer season from June.

Fitted with a pullstring, when activated it recites the entertainer’s famous catchphrases ‘How’s about that then, guys and gals, ‘Now then, now then’, and his trademark ape-like ululating wail which cannot be translated into text.





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C02 emissions to be stored in your spare room

THE spare room you’ve been meaning to turn into an office will instead be used to store carbon dioxide, it has emerged.

In a radical solution to climate change, the government intends to house CO2 in the nation’s worthless, junk-strewn spare rooms.

The CO2 would be processed into a non-gaseous, liquid state, then secretly pumped into households’ unused rooms while the occupants are at work, relying on the likelihood that no-one will ever open the door and let it all out.

Scientists believe the gas would lie undisturbed for decades, sandwiched between Walkers crisps boxes filled with old Q magazines and broken kitchen appliances.

Climatologist Dr Julian Cook said: “Placing CO2 under the sea or in specially commissioned storage tanks raises issues of both ethics and cost. Perhaps more importantly, it’s also a huge pain in the arse.

“However, that little room at the top of your stairs with the semi-dismantled mountain bike and the clothes horse in it would be just perfect.”

Carbon capture technology has been mooted for years, but this is the first time it has been suggested for pointless domestic areas.

Other possible locations for excess carbon dioxide include garden sheds, Dad’s Army VHS video boxes, or in kitchen drawers that that have become inexplicably filled with hundreds of Sainsburys’ bags to the point where they no longer open.

 Dr Cook said: “We’re not suggesting that all the world’s CO2 ends up in people’s homes. Just a sizeable proportion of it.”