Joe Wicks now a big, fat bastard

JOE Wicks has put on eight stone since ending his daily lockdown exercise sessions and is in no way ready to start them up again. 

The former shredded Adonis was so relieved not to have the health of a whole nation on his shoulders that he hit the crisps hard and has barely moved in months, he admitted.

He said: “I wasn’t expecting a second lockdown. I’ve not had the news on. I’m just slumped here in front of Bargain Hunt repeats.

“It takes it out of you, you know? Being the PE teacher for an entire country, everyone relying on you, having to stay strong for their sake. So I went on a carb binge.

“I can’t do 20 burpees in one minute anymore. I can drain a two-litre bottle of full-fat Coke without pausing for breath, but I recognise that’s not an example people need to follow.

“Honestly my tits are bigger than Rosie’s. How long have we got until full lockdown? I’ll be back in shape. Give me a fortnight to be able to climb the stairs without getting dizzy.”

Homeworker Eleanor Shaw said: “To be fair I mainly watched him while having my morning pizza.”

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How to be an even bigger panic-buying dickbag second time around

SO worried about others panic-buying you’ve rushed straight out to start panic-buying? Here’s some lessons from Lockdown 1 to help cause shortages and shaft others.

Upsize your vehicle

Completely filling your Vauxhall Astra with bog paper was good, but you can do better. Take a Transit van to Asda, or better still a second-hand army truck. You’ll never need that much loo roll, but you can make others wipe their arses on their own socks.

Abandon all morality

Back in March you were too soft. You let other people have stuff. This time around arm yourself and take everything. Little old ladies can be particularly reluctant to give up their packets of biscuits, so don’t hesitate to use your cosh.

Get into black-market profiteering

Buy up essentials and resell for inflated prices. Sell baked beans individually for £1 each, removing them from the can with a cocktail stick. You’ll be coining it in with tampons at £20 and a packet of Hobnobs for £300. Just be ready to leg it when mob justice comes with a lamp post and a rope.

Invest in freezers

Fill your garage with chest freezers. Last time you had to just strip the shelves of non-perishables like dried pasta, but now you can hoover up all the ready meals and help exhausted working mums get back into the habit of cooking from scratch.

Aim for maximum misery

If you’ve got the cash, buy the stuff others will really miss like all the Merlot so people can’t even blot out lockdown with their usual drink. And all the disposable nappies even if you haven’t got kids. What? Your arse might pack up.