Sunday, 9th May 2021

Joe Wicks now a big, fat bastard

JOE Wicks has put on eight stone since ending his daily lockdown exercise sessions and is in no way ready to start them up again. 

The former shredded Adonis was so relieved not to have the health of a whole nation on his shoulders that he hit the crisps hard and has barely moved in months, he admitted.

He said: “I wasn’t expecting a second lockdown. I’ve not had the news on. I’m just slumped here in front of Bargain Hunt repeats.

“It takes it out of you, you know? Being the PE teacher for an entire country, everyone relying on you, having to stay strong for their sake. So I went on a carb binge.

“I can’t do 20 burpees in one minute anymore. I can drain a two-litre bottle of full-fat Coke without pausing for breath, but I recognise that’s not an example people need to follow.

“Honestly my tits are bigger than Rosie’s. How long have we got until full lockdown? I’ll be back in shape. Give me a fortnight to be able to climb the stairs without getting dizzy.”

Homeworker Eleanor Shaw said: “To be fair I mainly watched him while having my morning pizza.”