Country run by f**knuts somehow f**ked

THE UK’s status as officially f**ked and its leadership by total f**knuts could be connected, it has emerged.

The abject failure of track-and-trace, the ongoing inability to get Brexit done and the collapse of underfunded public services have the people of Britain wondering if their government could possibly be to blame.

UK inhabitant Wayne Hayes said: “Electing f**king f**kheads leads to a f**king f**ked society? Makes sense now I think about it.

“I feel a bit misled though. During the election the f**kers claimed they knew what they were doing. None of the leaflets they shoved through my letterbox said they’d f**king f**k everything up.

“Mind you, the other lot probably would’ve f**ked everything up as well. I’m not sure how exactly, but they definitely f**ked it up last time? Bunch of f**king f**kwits.

“So perhaps it doesn’t matter who’s running the show? Maybe we’ve been lead by f**king f**knuts for so long that we don’t know any different anymore?”

Hayes added: “Could I do any better? No way mate. I’m a f**king dumbf**k myself.”

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Chief medical officer: 'None of the comforting bullshit you believe is true'

THE chief medical officer has informed Britain that none of the comforting bollocks it is telling itself about coronavirus is remotely accurate. 

Professor Chris Whitty joined chief scientific adviser Sir Patrick Vallance to blow away all the nice little illusions the UK has allowed itself about why Covid will not affect them in any way.

Viewer Nathan Muir said: “I turned on the TV, confident I would see proper serious experts confirm everything I’d learned on social media about this coronavirus basically being nothing to worry about.

“Instead they callously and heartlessly informed me that it’s not a weaker strain, that it’s not just young people getting it, that there’s no herd immunity and that if infections continued to rise so would deaths. Talk about a buzzkill.

“Even at the vaccine bit, which my mate Martin said on WhatsApp they’ve discovered already and he’s had it, they were all like ‘probably not until next year’.

“I don’t know why they let these people on if they’re just going to deliver cold, hard truths in an unfriendly way. Frankly it’s insensitive. Can we fire them?”

The unambiguous, factual message delivered by the pair will be completely confused in a later address by the prime minister, who will say anything that might make people like him.