The only reasons your landline could possibly be ringing

JESUS Christ, what’s that noise? And where is it coming from? Ah, it’s the landline you’re obliged to keep in order to have broadband. But who could be ringing? 

Accident compensation helpline

An artificial voice will pause for a little too long before asking if you’ve been in an accident that wasn’t your fault. This is your ideal chance to unburden yourself of the guilt you’ve been carrying since you drove into that bus queue and got away with it in 2007.

Tech support for parents

The one piece of technology your parents have mastered is the landline, and it’s the blunt tool they use to attack every other technological problem. Yes, you can help them top up their mobile but only if they remove it from the drawer where they keep it carefully switched off to save the battery.

Banking scam

Someone is hoping you’re old and confused enough to believe they’re from NatWest and will confirm all your confidential details so he can advise you of fraud on your account. Tell him of course, you’ll just get them from upstairs, then walk away and carry on with your day.

An old friend calling for a chat

The weirdest of all: what will they do next, turn up in your bedroom at 4am? It becomes clear they meant to call your mobile, but after this you both find it best to discreetly end the friendship.

The Government’s track-and-trace team

Extremely unlikely to happen but if it does, they’ll tell you that you need to stay indoors for the next 14 days or be fined £10,000. Essentially just like the banking scam call but from Boris.

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'When I was an intern, all this was Pret' says City broker

A STOCKBROKER looking out over London is remembering a time when it was Pret A Manger as far as the eye could see. 

Julian Cook, who followed the family tradition by taking an internship at Deutsche Bank arranged by his father on his 21st birthday, is shocked by the changes to the Square Mile and fears for the non-chain coffee shop world his children will inherit.

Cook said: “When I first started earning six figures for wearing an expensive suit and talking with confidence, all you could see from here to the horizon was branches of Pret.

“There were no fancy ‘closing down’ signs in shop windows, no empty streets, no looming economic ruin. Back then we enjoyed simple pleasures, like a crayfish and rocket sandwich.

“You couldn’t walk 100 yards without passing a Pret. They bloomed wild, free and beautiful. We thought they’d always be there.

“What kind of a world are we leaving behind for our children where they might have to travel half-a-mile for a hummus and falafel mezze? How will we explain it to them?”