Boris Johnson's guide to looking like complete shit

HATING your job? Pay too low? House cramped? Didn’t really plan on living with a newborn when you were 56? With this and more you too can look a f**king state. 

Unkempt hair

Everyone gets flyaways, but cultivating a head of straw-like hair like mine requires a bit of extra work. Try to look like you’ve always just had to make an undignified leap from a bedroom window after the lady’s husband burst in, even when you haven’t.

Wear ill-fitting suits

My good friend Dom scorns the suit in favour of loose-fitting tracksuit bottoms, but you can look similarly awful simply by wearing clothes that don’t fit. Whether it’s a button-up shirt that strains around the stomach or a jacket that swamps your shoulders, nothing says ‘that man is clearly troubled’ like badly worn clothes.

Embrace your dark circles

Carrie has offered me concealer, but I think my bloodshot, ringed eyes make me look Churchillian. Thatcher got by on four hours sleep a night and all it did was drive her batshit insane. Sleep in mascara to intensify the under-eye bag look the night before PMQs.

Don’t fix your teeth

I was born in America but refuse to embrace their passion for dental care. My crooked grimace speaks to the great British public, reminding them that my policy of getting Brexit done will take them back to the good old days before we had fluoride in the water.

Catch coronavirus

The number one way to make your outward appearance deteriorate – fast – is to catch a life-threatening virus that you originally downplayed the severity of. And no need to shake hands with hospital patients because it’s now available in a broad range of establishments, from your local pub to a humble Nando’s.

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You irresponsible office-working pubgoing bastards, says government

THE UK may face a second lockdown thanks to irresponsible bastards working in offices and drinking in pubs, the government has warned. 

Health secretary Matt Hancock has placed the blame for the second wave squarely on the shoulders of Britons who freely mingled in unsafe office environments, drank in pubs, or met to eat in restaurants.

He continued: “What were you thinking? How you could you be so selfish?

“Well, when we’re all confined to your homes again we’ll know exactly who to blame. All those people who rushed back to Wagamama’s like they hadn’t been fed in months.

“Though it’s the offices that gets me. This last six months have proved perfectly well to everyone that homeworking works. Why did you take the needless risk of going back?

“And then you’re in the pubs after, not a care in the world, none of you wearing masks. Well, now we’re all in the last chance saloon. Let there be no doubt: any second lockdown is on you.”

Hancock confirmed that the government has passed the names and addresses of anyone who used Eat Out to Help Out to the police, and they will be retrospectively fined £10,000.