Saturday, 24th October 2020

Boris Johnson's guide to looking like complete shit

HATING your job? Pay too low? House cramped? Didn’t really plan on living with a newborn when you were 56? With this and more you too can look a f**king state. 

Unkempt hair

Everyone gets flyaways, but cultivating a head of straw-like hair like mine requires a bit of extra work. Try to look like you’ve always just had to make an undignified leap from a bedroom window after the lady’s husband burst in, even when you haven’t.

Wear ill-fitting suits

My good friend Dom scorns the suit in favour of loose-fitting tracksuit bottoms, but you can look similarly awful simply by wearing clothes that don’t fit. Whether it’s a button-up shirt that strains around the stomach or a jacket that swamps your shoulders, nothing says ‘that man is clearly troubled’ like badly worn clothes.

Embrace your dark circles

Carrie has offered me concealer, but I think my bloodshot, ringed eyes make me look Churchillian. Thatcher got by on four hours sleep a night and all it did was drive her batshit insane. Sleep in mascara to intensify the under-eye bag look the night before PMQs.

Don’t fix your teeth

I was born in America but refuse to embrace their passion for dental care. My crooked grimace speaks to the great British public, reminding them that my policy of getting Brexit done will take them back to the good old days before we had fluoride in the water.

Catch coronavirus

The number one way to make your outward appearance deteriorate – fast – is to catch a life-threatening virus that you originally downplayed the severity of. And no need to shake hands with hospital patients because it’s now available in a broad range of establishments, from your local pub to a humble Nando’s.