EXPERTS are urging Britons to start preparing their Christmas arguments no later than 5pm today.
Planning the perfect 12 hours of drink-fuelled profanity is often left until the last-minute, leading to unsatisfying, snippy arguments and staring out the window.
Wayne Hayes, a bubbling pot of grudge from Carlisle said: “I’ve spent all year basting a big fat row with my brother over a pass he made at an old girlfriend in 1998.
“Every three weeks I bring the subject up only to drop it again, so by mid afternoon on Christmas Day it should be cooked right the way through.”
Meanwhile, supermarkets are promoting ready-made rows, with Waitrose offering Heston Blumenthal’s Screaming Match With A Turkish Diplomat Over Your Grandfathers War Record.
And Iceland’s cook-from-frozen range includes You’ve Always Been An Arsehole and Who’s Eaten All The Caramels?
The tradition of opening old wounds on Christmas Day dates back to 1844 when Prince Albert goaded erstwhile love rival Prince Alexander of the Netherlands with an impersonation of Queen Victoria’s sex noises.
Hayes added: “I can’t wait until the lights are twinkling on the tree and the kids are asking their mum why I’m forcing uncle Frank’s head into the downstairs loo.
“God bless us, every one, except my monumental arse of a sister-in-law.”