Kanye West's guide to having a relationship based on mutual respect

YOU can’t have a relationship without respect, so I treat my pseudo-wife Bianca with the same respect I have for a genius like myself, or Hitler. Here’s my advice on respecting your partner.

Accept them for who they are

Respect means accepting your partner despite your differences. Obviously Bianca can never be as amazing as me because I’m a platinum-selling mega-genius with his own range of trainers and she’s my weird sex pet, but I’m cool with that. So as you can see, I’ve got nothing but respect.

Be brutally honest about their fashion choices

Too many guys just want an easy life and won’t tell their partner if an outfit looks bad on them. If I see Bianca putting on a sweatshirt and jeans to go to the shops, I tell her to change into something more appropriate, eg. a tiny bikini top and a hitched-up micro skirt that gives everyone a good view of her bumcrack and possibly anus. If you respect someone it’s better to risk them being annoyed with you than let them make a dreadful fashion faux pas.

Tell them you love them more than Hitler

Regular compliments remind your partner you appreciate them, so I say flattering things like ‘You’ve got a better ass than Hitler’, or after making love I’ll say: ‘That was like having sex with Hitler!’ Bianca says I don’t understand who Hitler was and we have to watch The Nazis: A Warning From History together. I’m down with that, I can’t wait to see what Hitler did besides inventing motorways.

Don’t try to make them into someone they’re not

Except if it’s Kim Kardashian. If one woman has the nerve to split up with you, womankind owes you an identical replacement, like when an Amazon order arrives damaged. That’s not objectifying women, it’s just respecting my consumer rights.

Respect is something you have to learn

Respect is a learning process, so don’t just assume you understand what your partner wants. I had no idea Bianca prefers not to be naked when we’re visiting her parents, but when she told me I immediately made a mental note of it, and now I make sure she’s always modestly dressed in a cushion over her tits. 

Respect their sexual needs

Too many guys put their own pleasure first and don’t think about their partner. People criticised me for making Bianca give me a blowjob on a gondola in Venice, but she got a ride in a boat, didn’t she? If anything I’m the one who went out of their way to give her pleasure, because I bought her a Cornetto afterwards.

Be prepared to take criticism on board

Respect is a two-way street. When I recently got titanium teeth for my usual impenetrable mad reasons, Bianca asked me if I could change them because ‘you look like the guy out of f**king Moonraker’. I have to admit that stung, but I respect Bianca wanting to date a more conventional-looking guy, so I’m having them replaced with more modest vampire teeth. No one could be embarrassed about going out with Blacula.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Balance restored to world after vaping proved bad for you