Karen Matthews: Where She Went Wrong

IT'S the age-old story of a mother who teams up with the halfwit uncle of her sleazy boyfriend to kidnap her own daughter and keep her on a nine foot leash until she can con £50,000 out of the News of the World.

As Karen Matthews was convicted on three counts of evil yesterday, experts said the mother-of-seven was actually guilty of textbook errors.

Danny Ocean, a criminal mastermind who successfully raided the vault at the Bellagio, said: "All you need is detailed blueprints, a world class pickpocket, a master of disguise and a very small Chinese guy in a box."

Sir Charles Lytton, an international jewel thief also known as the Phantom, added: "Personally, I would knock out the guards, circumvent the laser protection system by descending from the roof and then I would hide the young girl in a large pot of face cream."

But Wayne Hayes, a sales assistant  from Peterborough who has never been involved in any sophisticated criminal activity, said: "First things first: Promise your daughter a pony.

"Secondly: Don't team up with someone who would struggle to beat a jar of mayonnaise at Connect Four.

"Third: Instead of shoving her under the bed, give her a blonde wig and send her and your non-halfwit accomplice to Butlins for a month.

"And fourth: Make sure your daughter is eventually 'found' by someone who is not in some way related to you, as the police might just find that a tad suspicious."

Meanwhile social workers in Dewsbury were last night under pressure to explain why they did not know Karen Matthews would team up with the halfwit uncle of her sleazy boyfriend to kidnap her own daughter and keep her on a nine foot leash until she could con £50,000 out of the News of the World.

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100 Nations Agree To Kill People Differently

ONE hundred nations last night signed a treaty agreeing to kill people without using cluster bombs.

The new treaty means the signatories will now be forced to use one of the thousands of other weapons at their disposal when wiping out entire villages of brown people.

Defence analyst Dr Tom Logan said: "From now on the 'cluster bomb' button will be covered up with masking tape, forcing the pilot to use the his '50mm cannon' toggle or 'laser guided missile' switch instead.

"The downside is that a missile can only take out one building and all its occupants at a time, which means the pilot has to come back over and over again, resulting in higher fuel costs and overtime.

"I suspect cluster bombs may come back into fashion once oil starts heading towards $100 a barrel again."

Meanwhile, Britain has signed up to the cluster bomb treaty, but only after chancellor Alistair Darling unveiled a £4 billion rescue package for the country's cluster bomb industry.

Mr Darling said: "This will allow British companies to diversify into slightly less jaw-droppingly horrifying weapons such as giant machine guns and flamethrowers, that sort of stuff."

Dr Logan added: "The only drawback with this treaty is that America, China and Russia have refused to sign it, thereby rendering it completely and utterly pointless.

"But at least the enemies of Togo will meet fiery death in a significantly less clustered way."