Britain To Take Two Years Off

BRITAIN is to take the next two years off to go travelling and focus on its hobbies.

With the government now willing to pick up the tab for everything, millions of Britons are this morning telling their bosses to piss up a rope.

Stephen Malley, a soon to be ex-accountant from Bristol, said: "I'd like to spend some time in China, I'd like to learn how to play the bongos, and I'd like to write a collection of short stories about a sexy west country accountant who solves crimes.

"But I suspect I'll probably just get in a load of crisps and Fanta and watch my Battlestar Galactica DVDs with my hands stuffed down the front of my pyjama bottoms."

He added: "I've always said that the one thing that's been holding this country back is consequences.

"Does it make me more likely to vote Labour? Possibly. But I'm not sure I'll have time to vote, what with all the Battlestar Galactica, and yes, the masturbation."

Prime minister Gordon Brown said that depending on the length and depth of the recession, the government would consider extending the removal of consequences to energy bills, TV licences, road traffic accidents and murder.

Mr Brown added: "I am very aware that one of the most traumatic effects of an economic downturn is not being able to kill anyone you want to without the police asking lots of annoying questions.

"I want to make sure that funding is available for all those who need to flee the country at short notice with a new identity and a large prosthetic nose."


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No-One Entirely Sure What Speaker Said

HOUSE of Commons Speaker Michael Martin made a statement on the arrest of Tory MP Damien Green yesterday, but no-one is entirely sure what he said.

The Speaker, a Glaswegian, addressed a bemused Commons chamber for 20 minutes, before pointing at the Conservative front bench and shouting: "ya fuckin' bawbags!"

Mr Martin told MPs: "Ahwuz like that, 'naw man, ye cannae dae that ya pure fuckin' bammer, byraway'.

"And the polis were aw like, 'you fuckin' shut it ya prick'. And am like, 'mone ya total fannies, geez a brek'."

Mr Martin added: "Anyways, it wuz aw that wee lassie wi' the tights, so it wuz.

"She's like 'aye, go oan' and am like 'naw man, at's no right, ye cannae just fuckin' barrel in here and start geein' everybody shite'n'at, naw?'"

Tory backbencher Denys Finch-Hatton said: "I think I caught something about a television unit that he had bought from Ikea. It seems it's fallen apart but he can't find the receipt. Does that sound about right?"

But Lib Dem treasury spokesman Vince Cable said: "No, no, he was complaining about something he had seen on television. I'm sure I heard him say 'Emmerdale', but it sounded more like 'Ammardowel' with a very strong 'r' right at the back of the throat."

A spokesman for Mr Martin said the speaker would appoint a seven member committee to investigate his role in the Green affair made up of Jimmy, Boab, Stevie, Mental Micky, Franky Boy, Wee Davie from Pollock and Sheherazade Goldsmith.

Shadow Leader of the House Theresa May added: "It has been suggested that the Conservative Party and some members of the press have a vendetta against the Speaker because of his working-class Glasgow origins. It's simply not true. It's because he is obviously completely bloody useless."