Kate already back on the ale

THE Duchess of Cambridge has wasted no time in getting a drink down her neck after nine months of being sober.

Within minutes of giving birth to a son, the Duchess asked if she was well enough to ‘pop round the corner for half an hour’.

A spokesman for St Mary’s Hospital in London said: “She was physically okay, plus she’d just given birth to the fifth-in-line so we didn’t feel like we could stop her.

“We said we could bring her in some cans of cider but she said she’d missed the overall smell and feel of the pub while she’s been up the duff and would prefer to ‘fuck off for a couple of scoops’.”

The Duchess, who was still wearing her hospital gown, nipped into the nearest pub and hammered her way through four pints of Old Speckled Hen and two shots of Famous Grouse while demolishing a bag of Cheddar and Onion McCoys.

The Duchess returned to the hospital around 4.30pm carrying an Oddbins bag.

She gave a ‘thumbs up’ to the media but then stopped suddenly, as if she was about to vomit.

After steadying herself on a railing, she burped loudly and said ‘oof’.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Parents only have third child in case first two are rubbish

PARENTS only have a third baby in case the first two turn out to be dicks, it has been confirmed.

A recent study has revealed that while the first child is a novelty and the second is a ‘nice idea’, child number three is usually conceived as a back up in case you fuck up the first two.

Pregnant mother of two from Bristol, Emma Howard said; “I expected the first one to be a bit of an arsehole because he was just our practice run.

“But when our second child started showing signs of being an arsehole too, we were a bit shocked.

“We panicked and decided to have one more just in case. Third time lucky.

“If this one turns out to be crap we’ll just keep going until we get the Son of God or Beyonce or something.”