Kate and Hilary team up to punch Britain in the mouth

HILARY Mantel and the Duchess of Cambridge have come together to shut Britain’s stupid face.

After 24 hours of low-grade British opinionating, the two women realised they had a common enemy.

Mantel said: “Kate and I talked on the telephone and I realised that she was a lovely, vibrant young woman, who just wants to express her burning contempt for modern Britain.

“As we talked we realised that it is not us who are at fault. It is all of you and your endless ‘opinions’.

“Therefore, we have decided to use the comment threads of the Guardian and the Daily Telegraph as a starting point.

“Our assistants will trawl through the comments for choice examples of particularly strident, ill-informed human sewage and then Kate and I will pay them a visit.

“I’m also looking forward to visiting Julie Burchill very hard, for the very simple reason that she thinks she is on my side.”

Mantel added: “We are not going to bother the poor souls who comment via the Daily Mail. The last thing those people need is a head injury.”



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
And we can build this dream together, standing tall forever, nothing’s gonna stop us now. Pending planning permission.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You prefer to think of buying your house as making a six-figure bet with your bank manager that your wife won’t get tired of your shit.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Apparently, The Wonderstuff’s Size Of A Cow contains traces of Jethro Tull’s Heavy Horses.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your Mancunian friend drinks all his beer this weekend and has an out-of-Boddies experience.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
No news from your bank manager about your business loan for a West London pornography emporium called Sexual Ealing.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
In an interesting experiment at work, you write down the word ‘skin’, show it a photo of George Galloway and it crawls right off the page.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
As a lecturer you’re used to students texting or doodling, but things go too far this week when a game of volleyball breaks out.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You wish your boss would make her mind up. You’re not allowed to drink during work hours but shotgunning a Special Brew outside the office at 8:55 is apparently ‘unprofessional’.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
No matter how much of a rush you’re in, love letters should never start “To whom it may concern”.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Make life a bit more exciting – every time you have to say the word ‘no’, drop to your knees and scream it at the sky like in the movies. “Do you take sugar?” “NOOOOOooOOoOOO!!!!!”

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Now is your time to shine. So get the Kiwi out, sharpish.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)