HILARY Mantel and the Duchess of Cambridge have come together to shut Britain’s stupid face.
After 24 hours of low-grade British opinionating, the two women realised they had a common enemy.
Mantel said: “Kate and I talked on the telephone and I realised that she was a lovely, vibrant young woman, who just wants to express her burning contempt for modern Britain.
“As we talked we realised that it is not us who are at fault. It is all of you and your endless ‘opinions’.
“Therefore, we have decided to use the comment threads of the Guardian and the Daily Telegraph as a starting point.
“Our assistants will trawl through the comments for choice examples of particularly strident, ill-informed human sewage and then Kate and I will pay them a visit.
“I’m also looking forward to visiting Julie Burchill very hard, for the very simple reason that she thinks she is on my side.”
Mantel added: “We are not going to bother the poor souls who comment via the Daily Mail. The last thing those people need is a head injury.”