Crime glamorous again

A MASSIVE diamond heist heralds a new golden age of sexy crime, it has been claimed.

Thieves in Brussels cut a hole in a plane to steal gems worth $50m, just like something out of a film.

There is already widespread speculation that the escapade was masterminded by a handsome, bored billionaire playboy who just does it for the thrill, probably working with a team of incredibly attractive women.

Criminologist Roy Hobbs said: “Crime had gotten downright tawdry in recent years. It was all crack cocaine, tax avoidance and horrible murders.

“So it’s great to see criminals bringing back some classic panache.

“I know it’s basically armed robbery, but Hollywood teaches us that you have to cut robbers some slack if they do it in a cool way.

“I’ll bet the diamond mastermind is back in his private castle, having a sexually-charged game of chess with a beautiful FBI agent who’s falling under his spell.”

He added: “Clearly I should be rooting for the police, but they seem so dull by comparison, with their cheap suits and bumbling ways.”



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Anywhere nice absolutely teeming with arseholes

THE picturesque parts of Britain are now full of utter dickbags, it has emerged.

As figures confirm an exodus of affluent Londoners, experts confirmed that intolerable twats could no longer be avoided in even the most remote places.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Thanks to broadband internet and paranoia, anywhere with grass and birds within a 400-mile radius of the metropolis is almost entirely populated by dreadful people with MacBooks who work in ‘branding’.

“The UK has reached a kind of ‘bullshit tipping point’ where if you want to avoid the kind of people you get in London, you have to move to London.”

38-year-old reality television producer Emma Bradford said: “Thanks to broadband internet I can now do my evil work from a lovely country cottage, while also writing Sunday supplement pieces about making jam.”

Digital media executive Stephen Malley recently moved to the Cotswolds: “I am a massive tool and was worried the move from London might cut me off from similarly loathsome people.

“Turns out this village is an absolute arsehole jamboree. Virtually everyone in it is stinking rich and self-absorbed, it’s basically Queen’s Park with breathable air.

“On Sundays we get in the pub with our little arsehole children and spread our possessions over all available seating.”

Village shop owner Roy Hobbs said: “I always try to treat all outsiders with equal contempt.

“But when people come in here asking for Monocle magazine, I set the dog on them.”