Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
This week, you learn that if you try to lean on Bill Withers he absolutely hates it.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
You should have two or three nights off the booze a week but Im not sure your 18-hour blackouts really count.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
On Saturday you realise how badly named chopsticks are when you try to eat one with them.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
So you mispronounced the word to indicate a witty response? Some people can be so touché.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Your hospitalised nan is responding to treatment. Although the response is, “If anything its making things worse.”
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your foolproof Grand National betting system is based on whichever horse has most recently done a shit.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
They say write about what you know but if you write about a novelist who never writes his novel its no longer something you know and your brain starts to hurt.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your petition to see how Jeremy Hunt would get on at A & E if he had life-threatening injures attracts police attention.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Somebody broke the passenger window of your car and theres a big steaming turd on the back seat. Which is probably what put them off getting into it.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your online dating profile might attract more hits if it didnt have that photo of you gelding that horse.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Seeing the concept of ‘Spring Break’ popularised in the UK reminds you to book a trip to an assisted suicide clinic.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This horoscope costs £2 p/min so given the speed you read, you owe me a tenner.