Britons still relying on class system for their personalities

BRITISH people are still incapable of coming up with personalities for themselves.

Reports that Britain now has seven social classes were greeted with a sigh of relief from a nation of people too lazy to have individual characteristics.

Teacher Emma Bradford said: “I’m more than happy to let my entire value system be decided by a set of arbitrary economic guidelines.

“Without a strong, detailed class system I’d have no reference points, I could end up watching Antiques Roadshow while drinking an Oasis, wearing a top hat and stroking a staffordshire bull terrier.

“I’d start to question everything and soon wouldn’t be able to distinguish a cat from a barn.”

The updated class system includes the ‘technical middle class’ who have lots of money from doing cash-in-hand plumbing jobs but prefer to spend it at T.G.I. Friday’s, and ’emergent service workers’ who are basically quite poor people who think they’re it because they work in clothes shops.

Salesman Tom Booker said: “Far from being an archaic load of cack, the class system is a handy ready-reckoner for how to behave.

“As a ‘new affluent worker’ I understand now that I must drive a stupid little Mini car, own at least six cook books and do cocaine every other weekend.

“Without that knowledge I’d literally have to make myself up, using my personal thoughts and sensibilities, which would be horrible.”

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The Mash Guide to Making Money From Your Spare Bedroom

A SPARE bedroom could cost you £22 a week, so there’s no excuse for letting it lie fallow.

Here’s how to turn that money pit into a cash cow:

Soft play area – Fill the room waist-deep with colourful balls, write the words ‘Fun Jungle’ on the door. Tired parents will queue up to dump their offspring at a generous hourly rate, while in your cafe/kitchen they can enjoy a range of hot drinks and banter about how they’ve completely lost interest in sex.

Museum of Erotic Art – A museum is just some shit in a place. People pay big money to walk around them because staring at inanimate objects is ‘educational’ and apparently not just a more boring, antiquated version of telly. All you need is a theme – ‘erotica’ generally works well because it suggests tits. ‘The age of steam’ is good for the UKIP-friendly, borderline racist grandad contingent.

Drugs factory – Sometimes the oldies are the goldies. A bedroom full of skunk is easy, profitable, cool like on that Breaking Bad show and best of all it’s organic. Pro tip: if busted, say there was a seed mix-up and you were growing lemon basil to be sold at farmers’ markets.

‘Massage’ business – Everyone’s using prostitutes these days: full intercourse with a prostitute is the modern equivalent of lapdancing. A single girl turning six tricks a day will more than cover your costs, and a prophylactic machine in the hall gives you a little walking-around money.

Church of semi-ironic bullshit religion – Inventing religions is popular again and the tax breaks are really eye-catching. Lift a belief system from a 70s children’s science fiction film and then behave like it’s an actual thing. It’ll start as a bit of fun, but within a month you’ll be trying to hit a football with a poker while blindfolded.