Kate at 40: is it time we replaced her with Emma Watson?

THE Duchess of Cambridge celebrates her 40th birthday on Sunday, and our grateful nation is wondering if now is the time to replace her. 

It once seemed that Kate would never age. That she would remain perpetually gamine, coltish and possessed of the tinkling giggle of a schoolgirl.

But, with that day hard upon us, we must face reality. Her perpetual prettiness in a Joseph dress will fade. She will inevitably travel the sad path from Foy to Colman to Staunton, as has our own beloved Queen.

Kate has served her country well. But time and tide can be stopped by no man, nor even royalty.

This country is blessed with a surfeit of young, pretty poshish girls. The Prince can pick any one. Why not go for the top and switch out Kate for the bewitching Emma Watson?

Similiar in looks but better in every way, Watson is beloved on social media and genuinely A-list. She could produce more heirs while charming presidents and genocidal despots alike.

Or if not Watson, then Florence Pugh or Felicity Jones or Lily Collins. So many potential princesses to announce the arrival of Brexit Britain to the global stage.

Most importantly of all, think of how this would hurt Meghan. No longer the glamour girl of the Windsors, but a wrinkled hag.

No longer the top Royal in Hollywood but a second-string washed-up bitter old actress not unlike Gloria Swanson in Sunset Boulevard. Harry would divorce her tomorrow.

We will celebrate Kate’s birthday with her on Sunday, then she will be escorted to the Balmoral reserve for surplus Royals. Then let’s get Watson in.

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Doing f**k all not really a plan, Johnson told

THE prime minister has been informed that ‘riding it out’ is doing nothing, does not amount to a plan and he should try again.

Johnson’s announcement that tests are scarce, the NHS is overwhelmed in places, and infections are at a record high so we must all continue as normal is not so much Plan B as Plan F**k It, the public has agreed.

A Downing Street insider said: “It contains none of the necessary criteria to warrant the title of a plan. It doesn’t even have a three-word slogan.

“Apparently we’re on a ‘war footing’. No we’re not. It’s like if Churchill said ‘just ignore the Nazi invasion, it only encourages them.’

“Given that the Brexit plan was to leave the EU and work out the details later we shouldn’t feign surprise, but surely we could do something. Why not copy Scotland, as usual?

“It’s not a plan, it’s a Keep Calm and Carry On cushion. It literally is. That’s where he got it from.”

Voter Bill McKay said: “It is not at all a plan, but I can’t take another f**king January lockdown so I’m happy going along with it.”