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Woman will find correct bra size the moment she's comfortable with strange woman in shop poking at her tits

A WOMAN has promised to be in her perfect bra size as soon as she is cool with a shop assistant prodding and lifting her boobs.  

Though Eleanor Shaw has long suffered the discomfort of itchy straps, tight underwires, and cup spillage, she is no more comfortable with the idea of a personal bra fitting in her local M&S where she buys sandwiches.

She said: “I’m uncomfortable taking my top off alone in a changing room, let alone while a stern-yet-mumsy woman goes at my tits with a tape measure murmuring ‘big girl, aren’t we?’

“It’s not exactly like getting your feet meaured at Clarks, is it? It’s deeply intimate.

“All my friends who’ve done it rave about how well their bras fit now, ’Oh, I never would have known I was actually a 34G’, bollocks, skimming over the fact they had to do a tittie show for Deborah in womenswear.

“Would blokes go get their cocks measured for better fitting, more supporting jockey trunks? Would they f**k.”

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The worst websites to be caught browsing by your boss

REMOTE working means unexpected screen sharing and shit, you forgot you’d left that tab open. But which websites are the most shaming?

Pornhub

Obviously. And undeniably. And the very fact everyone knows exactly what that site is and what’s on it proves that they too are regulars, but you’re the one who got caught and they’ll never admit it. You must bear blame for their collective sins alone, like Christ.

LinkedIn

Worse than Pornhub. Looking at LinkedIn when you should be working means you’re either after a new job or you’re a massive prick updating your profile daily and applying for The Apprentice annually. Neither of which will endear you to your boss, unless they’re a prick too.

Niche porn

Simultaneously worse and better than Pornhub. Whether it’s clown sex, GILF orgies, or just standard furry stuff, the terrible specifities of your personal sexual desires will be screenshotted and shared with HR and Twitter. But at least you’re not a basic bitch.

Poniverse

Weirder than niche porn is an interest both deeply f**king weird and yet without obviously sexual element. Being a Brony, a grown man who is a fan of My Little Pony, is one such perversion. Should your boss see evidence of this, the meeting will end early and a new meeting will begin without you about sacking you.

Mail Online

If your colleagues are millennial hipsters at a marketing agency, you’re assumed to be a Guardian-reading progressive. Being caught mainlining outrage from Mail Online is akin to being caught in front of a swastika flag in full SS leathers practicing your 1930s-era salute and heel-click.

Anything to do with work

If you’re in a budgeting meeting and all your tabs are Excel sheets, your boss will suspect you’re after their job or have something truly terrible to hide, neither of which they’ll respect. Make sure you have a PornHub tab open at all times just in case.

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