Kate or Meghan: who is best at greeting people standing behind ropes?

SHE’S been the unquestioned champion since announcing her engagement to Prince William in 2010, but watch out Kate – there’s a new girl in town. 

But can an American actress ever match the Duchess of Cambridge’s world-leading skill at speaking briefly to members of the public standing behind a barrier? Or will she always be second fiddle?

PUTTING PEOPLE AT EASE

With more than seven years experience relaxing people who were afraid she would be intimidatingly formal, Kate has been described as the Royal Family’s hot bath with aromatherapy oils. However Meghan’s American origins mean that it is literally impossible to be intimidated in her presence because she is nothing but a colonist, so she’s ahead by a hair in this round.

BREEDING

Both Kate and Meghan are commoners whose only contact with the biological destiny of true blue blood is their role as brood-mares. But Kate at least attended the prestigious St Andrews Golfing University, where ordinary people and Scots learn manners from the aristocracy, which gives her a solid lead on her rival.

TINKLING LAUGH

The girlish giggle of Kate, which sounds like a billion fairies delicately shaking magical sugar bells, has been much remarked on. Those expecting Meghan to have a deep, earthy guffaw will be surprised to find that her laugh is like the sparkling tinkle of a clear mountain stream. This round is a tie.

INABILITY TO WEAR SAME OUTFIT TWICE

Ever since she was four years old, Kate has been unable to wear the same item of clothing on two separate occasions without coming out in a terrible rash. Her skin is just too sensitive to cope. Meghan, by contrast, frequently wore the same suit in show after show of Suits. This willingness to settle will undoubtedly disappoint crowds.

SPONTANEOUS INTERACTIONS WITH SMALL CHILDREN

Meghan Markle is not known to have ever been unexpectedly delighted by a small child waving a flag, and indeed may react aggressively when she first meets one, baring her fancy American teeth.  The Duchess of Cambridge to this day is unable to see a child without clapping her hands to her rosy cheeks and marvelling, from a safe distance, at its cuteness.

WINNER

Kate’s prowess at empty-but-cheerful ten-second-chats is legendary, and will be remembered much like Cleopatra’s beauty for millennia to come. But despite her victory on points, Meghan has delivered a knockout blow to take the crown because Kate’s been around for ages and we’re bored of her.

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Babies turn into dickheads at 4pm

BABIES who have been perfectly happy all day, turn into utter shits between 4pm and 6pm, it has been confirmed.

Experts have advised parents to stay calm, wear protective clothing and under no circumstances attempt to take their infant out of the house.

Mother of two, Emma Howard, said: “We were having quite a nice time playing Peepo, but as soon as the clock struck 4pm she lamped me on the head with a sippy cup. It was like I was in a pub fight.

“Next thing I know, all hell broke loose and she’s clawing at my face and trying desperately to get into the knife drawer.

“Then come 6pm, she stopped and smiled at me like nothing had happened. The crazy bitch.”

Howard added: “I don’t understand it. Is it something to do with the tides? Or is she simply possessed by an ancient demon? It’s one or the other.”