Killer whale learns to say ‘twats’

A KILLER whale at a marine park in France has learned to tell humans they are twats in English.

Wikie, an orca who does not want to be at Marineland in Antibes, can make the sounds for ‘fuck off out of it’, ‘you are all twats’ and ferme ta gueule, the French for ‘shut the fuck up’.

Trainer Françoise Tellier said: “There is no doubt that she knows what she is saying and understands exactly what it means.

“I attempted to teach her ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’ and simple things like ordering a croque-monsieur, but she had no interest.

“But when she heard me shouting expletives at Jean from sea-lions, who is un connard, she suddenly became very enthusiastic. I taught her English swearwords because they’re better.

“She already has the swearing vocabulary of a nine-year-old English boy. It’s quite remarkable.”

When asked if Wikie would ever be released from captivity, Tellier said: “No, because then she would have no reason to swear anymore and this would all have been a waste of time.”

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Just like anyone else who is terrible at their job, I’m not a quitter, says May 

THE prime minister has confirmed that she is not a quitter but someone who continues in a job far beyond her competency causing immense damage. 

May, who is currently in China ruining the UK’s chances of a trade deal, insisted she is not one of those people who quits when they realise they are not up to it, as if that were a good thing.

She said: “A quitter would never have made an idiotic deal with the DUP. A quitter wouldn’t keep believing they’d get something from Trump. A quitter wouldn’t be cocking up Brexit.

“Quitters are people who look at the job in front of them, realise they’re not remotely capable of it and walk away before they break something important.

“I wasn’t a quitter when I was buggering up the Home Office, I was the only person who didn’t quit the leadership contest when it became obvious the winner was doomed, and I’m not quitting now.

“It would clearly be better, for both myself and the country, if I was a quitter. But I’m not.”

Opposition leader Jeremy Corbyn said: “I, too, do not quit even when hopelessly out of my depth. And believe it to be a virtue.”