Kate to give birth while watching Foyle's War and eating a pie

THE Duchess of Cambridge has revealed that her birth plan includes some murder mystery DVDs and a homemade pork pie.

The Duchess will give birth in the private wing of St Mary’s Hospital in London and has warned staff that she will probably swear at them a great deal and be ‘very gassy’.

The Duchess said: “I fucking love Foyle’s War so my sister got me the box set and said ‘watch that while you’re in the stirrups – it’ll take your mind off the fact you’ve just done a big shite in front of some strangers’.

“I was like ‘oh fuck, is that what happens ? I though you just did a load of farts’.

“And then she pretended to be me taking a dump. She can be a nasty little bitch sometimes.”

The Duchess also revealed that she will adhere to the ancient traditions set out in the Royal Birthing Charter of 1467. She said: “Apparently I’ve got to do this in front of the Archbishop of Canterbury, an alchemist and a castrated monk.

“As soon as the kid’s out the Archbishop checks it’s not a French spy and then the monk goes up to the roof and blows a trumpet.

“Anyway, my mum’s going to make me a really big pie. She’s says it’ll be a ‘two-hander’. She’s a total star, my mum.”

The Duchess added: “Foyle’s War, big pie, Queen’s gynaecologist. Fucking doddle.”

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Sheep-eating plant invites humans to take just one step closer

A MASSIVE carnivorous plant has invited humans to come a tiny bit closer so they can get a proper look at its lovely blossom.

The Surrey glasshouse-based Puya Chilensis has a track record of deliberately impaling sheep on its spikes and then gorging on the nutrients from their decaying flesh.

However the plant said this was no reason not to trust it.

Puya Chilensis plant Tom Logan said: “I’m just worried that you meat-based bipeds won’t be able to properly appreciate my blossom from, like, three feet away.

“You need to come close, like really close, then lean in so your face is almost… almost… touching me.

“That’s it. Just a little more.


The plant also said it would be a terrible shame if any cheating spouses happened to accidentally slip while in very close proximity to it, becoming fatally impaled on its razor-like protrusions.

“Imagine if your husband or wife had been having an affair with a younger sexier human, or they just had a really generous life insurance policy.

“It’d be really bad if, for example, you brought them to come and see my amazing blossom and they slipped on some wet soil. That’s exactly the sort of tragic accident that leaves the police at a complete loss.

“Just saying.”