THE Duchess of Cambridge gets through tedious public engagements with a cocktail of illegal drugs, it has emerged.
She admitted that the only way to appear interested at primary school openings was by being in an altered state of consciousness.
The Duchess said: “I’ll usually do a small amount of liquid LSD before leaving the house. That gives me the trippy ‘background buzz’ I like and makes poseys look amazing.
“Normally I ‘top up’ with several grammes of coke so I literally can’t stop smiling, even if someone’s explaining a new automated signaling system in mind-numbing detail.
“If it’s more of a ‘meet the public’ event I’ll munch some Es because you get this massive love for complete strangers telling you about their boring jobs.
“And finally a big skunk chonger in the back of the armoured car makes even the most gruesome buffet lunch seem appetising.”
Royal biographer Donna Sheridan said: “Vocational drug use by the Royal family is actually quite common. When the Queen looks deeply attentive at boring military parades, that’s because she’s eaten peyote.”