Friday, 4th December 2020

Kids physically fit but talking in working-class accents

CHILDREN taking daily PE lessons with Joe Wicks are physically healthy but at least 30 per cent more common, parents have reported. 

Children from middle-class households are becoming expert at high-impact workouts but no longer able to enunciate correctly or properly pronounce ‘quinoa’.

Mother of two Carolyn Ryan said, “At first I was thrilled that Noah was doing PE online because it sounded spartan and educational. I didn’t notice he was dropping his Ts and saying ‘haitch’ instead of ‘aitch.’

“But then when he was showing me his charming lateral lunges, he shouted, ‘Ere we go! Fank you everybody!’ and the penny dropped when he held his finger to an imaginary earpiece then yelled, ‘Shaut aut to Gemma in Solly-ull! We love ya!’

“I can’t have my son talking like a Cockney wideboy forced to retire to Southend 20 years ago after upsetting a big cheese by turning Queen’s on an insurance blag. I thought this ‘Body Coach’ would have to go.

“But actually I found myself watching it a bit first. He’s got a remarkably nice, toned living room. And very firm, sculpted respect for the NHS.

“So now Noah and I watch it together, and his father wears headphones and repeats what Joe says in Benedict Cumberbatch’s voice. Best of both worlds.”