Kim Jong-Un threatens US with style war

KIM Jong-Un has responded angrily to ‘other Kim’ Kardashian’s hot maternity outfits.

A North Korean official said: “Our dear leader is the best-dressed Kim on this or any planet.

“Other Kim’s insistence on teaming a billowy salmon pink number with a brown suede handbag is a direct challenge to his understated, militaristic look.

“North Korea will bolster the leader’s spring wardrobe with immediate effect, adding some flattering overcoats in muted seasonal tones.

“And we cannot be held responsible if millions of Americans find them to die for.”

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New teen police commissioners to be at least 54

NEW youth police commissioners must be at least 54 and really into the first six albums by Yes.

The move came as Kent’s young police and crime commissioner, Paris Brown, was exposed as a genuine 17 year-old human.

A Home Office spokesman said: “This was supposed to be a gimmick.

“We all agreed that the local authorities would invent a vaguely plausible teenager while the actual commissioning would be done by a jaded but malleable civil servant.

“Someone has spotted that Paris Brown was trying far too hard to be a real teenager and therefore could only be a real teenager.”

According to the new national guidelines, the teen commissioners will have been born before 1960 and desperate to ease their way into a nice early retirement package.

The spokesman added: “We’re looking for people who have thousands of old magazines in their loft, a copy of Jeffrey Archer’s Kane and Abel and can talk for 12 hours straight about Rick Wakeman’s minimoog playing on Tales from Topographic Oceans.”

Julian Cook, who has been occupying a desk in Sussex County Council’s planning department since 1977, said:  “I’m going to call myself Marcus, I will be a big fan of Horrible Histories and I will tweet regularly about how Sussex police are crime-fighting groove riders.”

He added: “Did you now that Melody Maker described ‘Topographic’ as a ‘fragmented masterpiece’?”