LOSS-MAKING families are to be sold off by the government.
Following government concerns that poorly-run family units are a burden on the taxpayer, underperforming households are to be managed by private firms.
A government spokesman said: “The problem with most families is that they’ve only ever run one household, whereas companies like ‘Excelsior Families’ or ‘Northern Family Units’ are experts in the field.
A spokesman for Northern Family Units said: “Even the most feckless family has a number of possible revenue streams. For example, we charge relatives for visiting rights.
“You set up a little box office in the kitchen and sell the grandparents £15 ‘visiting wristbands’ with the option of buying overpriced grab bags of Starburst for the little ones.
“When the grandparents sadly die, you pack the family off into a van and tour them as an itinerant circus act, or quasi-Victorian chimney sweeps.
“There are plenty of chimneys out there with no children to fill them.”