Horse-catapulting placates Grand National crowd

THE organisers of the Grand National have catapulted a horse into the side of a building to compensate for this year’s lack of fatalities.

Disappointed spectators besieged the Aintree box office after being denied the sight of shattered horse bone and grim-faced vets with pistols.

Animal rights activists were also furious at having travelled to Liverpool for no good reason.

Speaking after the race ended with fully intact horses, spectator Wayne Hayes said: “I came all the way from Carlisle, at the very least I hoped to see an Irish midget dressed like Prince get hospitalised.

“Basically this was fast dressage. When my dad came here in the 70s he got concussed by a hoof fragment, now that’s a day out.”

As the crowd’s anger threatened to spill over into violence, race officials wheeled out a massive siege catapult and a mare called Dolly.

The wildly-neighing animal was hurled 400 feet into the air before imploding against the side of a nearby office block.

Racegoer Nikki Hollis said: “Its legs were flailing, like it was running in the sky.

“There was a ‘squelchy bang’ sound as horse met reinforced concrete and everybody cheered, the atmosphere was incredible.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Osborne: Let's end the stigma of disabled parking

GEORGE Osborne says parking in disabled people’s spaces can boost their self-esteem.

The chancellor, who was recently spotted parked in a disabled-only space, has claimed that ‘ghettoised’ parking holds people back.

Osborne said: “Parking in a disabled space is an act of solidarity, a way of saying ‘We are all alike’.

“If there’s one lesson we’ve learned from the paralympics it’s that people in wheelchairs can shift like weasels chasing rabbits, if they really need to.

“But many never push themselves because they can get their cars so close to Waitrose.

“Also they need to understand that people with proper jobs are often in a hurry.

“I’m not saying we get rid of disabled parking, just let’s open it up for the good of everyone.”

The chancellor’s comments follow reforms to the disabled benefits system designed to weed out people who are simply too lazy to move their legs.

Iain Duncan Smith said: “If we all park in disabled spaces it will help weed out the scroungers. Watch as they all stand up and shout ‘it’s a miracle!’ because they’re impatient to buy cigarettes.”

43-year-old Emma Bradford, who receives Disability Living Allowance, said: “What’s Waitrose?”