YOUNG people can afford houses in areas that are cheap and undiscovered, as I plan to prove by building a three-bed family home for £120,000. Location? My anus.
Foundations finished so work begins on the walls. It’s strange and uncomfortable building a house up your bum – not to mention noisy! – but if it gets you on the property ladder, worth it. Sadly it’s a compromise young people are unwilling to make.
Slight panic: I’d completely forgotten about the lack of natural sunlight and a retractable canopy in my buttocks isn’t an option. Architect comes to the rescue by creating a clever reflecting lightwell through the sphincter. There are always solutions.
Inspected the building work by getting my head right up there. All on schedule, but I have to say the aroma of shit is pretty pervasive. The estate agent will have to make clear this is a working arsehole. It’s only like living next to a farm, and it shouldn’t affect the asking price.
Electricians making good progress with the wiring. I’ll admit the house doesn’t have the best views, because all you can see is my rectal walls. We’re going to jolly those up with a fun render and terracotta paint. It’ll be like the Mediterranean.
Mixer taps installed and ensuite bathroom almost done. This really will be a lovely little home, except when I’ve been eating rich food.
Almost time to put the property on the market. Well within reach of a young couple earning £25k each a year who live frugally and don’t subscribe to Netflix. I’m not just maximising profit from my anal real estate. I’m helping society.
HOUSE FINISHED! Cracked open the bubbly. Four viewings arranged. We’ll get a buyer. This is Britain. If you’re not obsessed with buying a house you’re a weird pervert, like those men who do it with dolls.
Two young couples viewed the house today. The first have been living with their parents for eight years, saving every penny for a deposit. But I’m going to sell it to the second couple as a buy-to-let because they’re paying cash. In the end, I’ve got to do what’s best for my arse.