Eyelashes and other shit that people adorn their cars with

PERSONALISING your car is a brilliant way of warning other road users there’s a twat about so keep a good distance. Any of these work:

Eyelashes

Cars are subtly anthropomorphised by design, or why not three headlights? The addition of eyelashes to headlights only makes your car resemble Betty Boop. If that’s what you’re into why not add a curly black wig to the roof and dangle gold hoops from the wing mirrors?

Stickers

Whether it’s a grammatically offensive ‘Mums taxi’, an over-informative ‘I heart dogging’, or a hilariously irreverent ’Jesus is my airbag’, stickers on your car make other drivers hate you. No joke is funny when you’re trapped behind it on the M6 for three hours.

Aerial toppers

Car aerials are thin, discreet, and largely vestigal. So why not stick Mickey Mouse, a bee or a Hello Kitty on the end? Why not cover the doors in fridge magnets and really make a twee pensioner kitchen out of it?

Flags or antlers

A seasonal affectation that works both ways: either keep your car windows mostly closed in the height of summer to hold little England flags, or keep them not-quite-closed in winter to hold little reindeer antlers. Boiling or freezing, you suffer and other road users are glad.

Teddy on the grill

Strapping a cuddly teddy to the grill of a massive truck might sound cute, but when the 40-ton behemoth is hurtling down the motorway, it looks f**king sadistic. At some point this has been the last thing someone saw before dying. That’s just statistics.

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Tom Cruise as six-foot-five Jack Reacher, and other piss-awful casting choices

EVER watched a film and thought, wow, they really made a shit choice there? These actors look and sound f**k all like their characters:

Tom Cruise as Jack Reacher

Jack Reacher is built like a brick shithouse. It is mentioned every other page. Few actors could play this broad-shouldered titan, so who did Hollywood choose? Tiny slip of a thing Tom Cruise, who bounced on Oprah’s sofa in a desperate attempt to be higher than her hair.

Kevin Costner in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

In the early 90s English male actors were basically extinct or only good for evil. So producers hired Californian Kevin Costner as a famous Nottingham outlaw and he compensated by not even attempting an accent. Robin of Loxley was Californian. Why not?

Ben Affleck in Batman v Superman

Playing Batman requires the versatility to portray a playboy billionaire and a compelling, driven detective. Ben Affleck scowled a lot and hit a tyre like the miserable bastard still not over J-Lo he turned out to be. Though he did convince you that Superman, or indeed anyone, would want to punch him.

Alicia Vikander in Tomb Raider

Fans were mocked for complaining that the actress hired to play Lara Croft was flat-chested. But Lara Croft is not a complex character. After raiding tombs and being an English aristocrat, having large polygonal boobs is pretty much it and therefore important. Shallow but true.

Russell Crowe in Les Miserables

One little-known attribute to look out for when casting a musical is that your actors should be able to f**king sing. You might get away with it in Mamma Mia! but one of literature’s great denouements is completely ruined by Crowe’s flat crooning.

Gary Oldman in Tiptoes

Able-bodied guys playing the disabled people is kind of awkward these days. So the comparatively recent and unfathomable casting choice of Oldman as a dwarf, achieved by him kneeling down, is one that will lock your face into a frown of disbelieving horror for weeks.

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