PERSONALISING your car is a brilliant way of warning other road users there’s a twat about so keep a good distance. Any of these work:
Cars are subtly anthropomorphised by design, or why not three headlights? The addition of eyelashes to headlights only makes your car resemble Betty Boop. If that’s what you’re into why not add a curly black wig to the roof and dangle gold hoops from the wing mirrors?
Whether it’s a grammatically offensive ‘Mums taxi’, an over-informative ‘I heart dogging’, or a hilariously irreverent ’Jesus is my airbag’, stickers on your car make other drivers hate you. No joke is funny when you’re trapped behind it on the M6 for three hours.
Car aerials are thin, discreet, and largely vestigal. So why not stick Mickey Mouse, a bee or a Hello Kitty on the end? Why not cover the doors in fridge magnets and really make a twee pensioner kitchen out of it?
Flags or antlers
A seasonal affectation that works both ways: either keep your car windows mostly closed in the height of summer to hold little England flags, or keep them not-quite-closed in winter to hold little reindeer antlers. Boiling or freezing, you suffer and other road users are glad.
Teddy on the grill
Strapping a cuddly teddy to the grill of a massive truck might sound cute, but when the 40-ton behemoth is hurtling down the motorway, it looks f**king sadistic. At some point this has been the last thing someone saw before dying. That’s just statistics.