'LIN-E-KERRR!' howls Tory voter

A CONSERVATIVE voter is yet again shaking his fists at the heavens that somehow permitted Gary Lineker to express a political opinion.

The football commentator has continued his unceasing assault on public decency by daring to defend himself when attacked by Conservative MPs, when he should stand there unmoving like a Royal guardsman.

Steve Malley of Norwich said: “Lineker! Again! Gaaaah! When will it end?

“First he signs an open letter supporting refugees, which is against the law, the BBC charter and FA regulations, then he brazenly answers back to his elected betters! Does he not realise Jonathan Gullis is a mere vessel for the public will?

“This new BBC chairman claims he’ll tame him, but I’m sceptical. Lineker cannot be tamed. He is too virulent, too mischievous, to be held down. He haunts me. I wake up screaming his name at 4am.

“Why must he have views? Why can he not stick to football? Why must he say ‘Salah haring through on goal there, he’s a Muslim so he’s better than you’ in the commentary of my imagination? Why does he torture Britain so?”

He added: “And why can’t Michael Owen come out as a white supremacist and unapologetic fascist? For balance?”

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Sexy shaved fanny like flea infestation

A WOMAN who shaved her pubic hair has found that any erotic value is cancelled out by the itching red fire in her knickers. 

Nikki Hollis, 25, decided to shave off her pubic hair on a whim one evening, but was blissfully unaware of the anguish that would follow.

She said: “I was shaving my legs in the bath and thought my fanny hair was looking a bit Tracy Beaker. 

“Every woman knows men think women are sexier with no hair. So, without thinking, I covered it all in shaving foam and got to work. It was quite fiddly and took about 15 minutes all in. That’s when the horrors began.

“The first thing was the razor burn. It’s bad enough on your legs, but my vag felt like it was on fire, and not in a good way. Then the hair started to grow back. Imagine a red ants’ nest appearing on your genitals, and they’re all really angry. You’re still not even close. 

“I had to keep subtly scratching my groin in Asda. I must have looked dodgy as f**k and the woman on the checkout certainly gave me a disgusted look. I wouldn’t mind but my boyfriend scratches his dick in public all the time and apparently that’s lovely.”

Hollis’ boyfriend Nathan Muir said: “I’ve never expressed an opinion on Nikki’s pubic hair. If she’s up for sex, I’m not asking questions. But if you must know it’s like f**king sandpaper.”