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Lizzo, and other celebrities you shouldn't share your actual thoughts on

LIZZO is all over the news, but thanks to her well-nourished physique you’re paralysed by terror of saying the wrong thing. Here are some more celebs it’s best to avoid having an honest opinion on.

Katie Price

If Katie set up a GoFundMe page for Swiss finishing school, you’d gladly chip in to make her less common. ‘Common’ is not a term you hear often these days, but Katie’s fishwife ramblings definitely fit the bill. Basically she needs to ditch the Hindenburg tits, pink shit and cage fighter boyfriends, then have elocution lessons and buy some normal clothes. There’d be an overnight improvement and if that makes you a snob then pass the Chateau Latour.

Lizzo

Let’s cut to the chase: Lizzo is f**king fat, even for a fat person. Being a tad on the chunky side is also her USP, and her only rival in the rap world was Biggie Smalls, who is now very thin. She’s currently in trouble over bullying allegations, but the thoughts actually troubling you are things like: ‘How will Lizzo have sex if she turns into a perfect sphere?’ Don’t say that out loud at the water cooler.

Captain Sir Tom Moore

You had quite a few thoughts about Captain Tom, such as: ‘This is bollocks’, ‘It’s the Tory press distracting everyone from NHS underfunding’, ‘What if he drops dead on TV?’ and ‘When will Britain get over its embarrassing obsession with the war?’. All of these musings will make you a social pariah as surely as if you’d dug up the corpse of Churchill to make an interesting Halloween conversation piece.

Peter Dinklage

It seems harsh to ask someone with dwarfism to shut up about dwarfs, but frankly that would be good. Recently Peter called Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs ‘f**king backwards’, apparently for including dwarfs, but wasn’t forthcoming about what would replace them. Snow White and the Seven Samurai? He also claimed the dwarfs live in a cave when they work in a cave and live in a house like everyone else, so if anyone’s stereotyping dwarfs it’s him. But call him a dwarfist and people will think you’re the weirdo. There’s no justice, etc.

Suella Braverman

Race is a topic of conversation where the wrong choice of words can make you sound like a Nazi genetic scientist. But whenever you see Suella on TV outlining her latest vindictive immigration policy you immediately think: ‘How weird is it for an Asian woman to be doing stuff to appeal to racists?’ Cleverly, Tories will argue you’re the racist for suggesting a member of a minority group can’t be right-wing. They’re disingenuous bastards, but it’s easiest to steer clear of race altogether and just make completely uncontroversial criticisms of Suella, eg. she’s a horrible cow.

Carol Vorderman

You hate thinking ‘Act your age, Carol’ because you’re not your mum. It’s in your head though, and if you verbalise it some right-on bastard is bound to say: ‘Are you saying older women can’t be sexual beings?’ No, you’re not saying that, it’s just that you don’t particularly want to imagine Carol shagging five different blokes. Or see every single tight outfit she owns. Honestly, Carol, we’d be happy with a Countdown Conundrum.

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'You must be fun at parties': The most annoying things to say in an online argument

FACEBOOK, Twitter, Instagram and YouTube are all chock full of angry bellends raging about f**k all. Here are the most infuriating phrases you’ll see cropping up in tedious online ‘debates’.  

‘You must be fun at parties’

This truly is the last refuge of the wanker. It’s lame because it says ‘I have no interest in perfectly legitimate things to discuss’. What else don’t you care about? Getting paid each month? Getting murdered? Shops not having any food? You’d happily take a punt on people who use this never being invited to parties themselves, because they’re boring, snide, smug little f**ks.

‘Tl;dr’

If you don’t know, old person, ‘tl;dr’ means ‘too long; didn’t read’. Imagine having an argument with someone in real life. You outline your beliefs, highlight evidence that supports your claims, and tie all your points together in an articulate, reasonable conclusion. Now imagine the other person just sort of shrugs at you in response. That’s the kind of proudly ignorant twat who uses ‘tl;dr’.

‘Simples’

Aleksandr Orlov has a lot to answer for – not least the popularity of the phrase ‘simples’ among the nation’s arseholes. Whenever someone spouts a load of unmitigated bollocks online, they wrongly think adding ‘simples’ automatically makes everything they just said true. Yep, that’s how the ancient Greek philosophers and Oxford academics conclude their arguments – by quoting a f**king CGI Russian meerkat.

‘That’s actually a logical fallacy’

Or you could just make your point without employing a meta-level of categorising statements. This is popular among basement-dwelling incel-types, who love important-sounding phrases like ‘logical fallacy’, ‘strawman argument’ and ‘appealing to authority’. There is, however, some hilarity to be had in the fact that half the time they get it wrong, eg. ‘Saying battery farming is cruel is a straw man argument.’

‘Snowflake’

This is a real cliche now, ie. completely fresh and exciting for the Daily Mail and Telegraph-reading dickwads who use it most. Caring about environmental disaster? Snowflake. Criticising the government? Snowflake. Displaying the slightest hint of compassion? Total snowflake. As well as being horribly unoriginal it really is the twat’s ultimate shortcut to ‘winning’ an argument.

‘What about…’

When angry pricks on the web have had all their arguments picked apart, there’s only one thing left to do – start arguing about something else entirely. The hope is that others won’t notice the daring switcheroo. Unfortunately, this strategy tends to be employed by idiots so it’s incredibly obvious they’re randomly changing the subject, eg. ‘I didn’t mean ALL women are bitches, just most of them! Anyway, who remembers Space Raiders?’ 

Mentioning Adolf Hitler plus Godwin

As is well-known, Godwin’s Law tells us that, the longer an online debate rumbles on, the more likely it is some dipshit will compare something to Hitler. Thus an argument about speed cameras descends into comparisons with Nazi atrocities. What a time to be alive. However, simply by saying ‘At risk of invoking Godwin…’ does not make tasteless Nazi references okay. Who do you think you are, Heinrich Himmler?

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