Lots of cake left over at Piers Morgan’s 50th

MOST of the food at Piers Morgan’s 50th birthday party remained uneaten, it has been confirmed.

The former Daily Mirror editor rented out his local social club for the event and spent thousands of pounds on catering and entertainment.

Norman Steele, who lives across the road from the club, said: “He obviously made a big effort. I could hear the music from the disco. I didn’t see many people going in though.

“The music stopped at about nine o’clock.”

Emma Bradford, a barmaid in the social club, added: “He did look a bit disappointed. He kept pouring people drinks just to get them to stay. Alan Sugar left early claiming he had food poisoning, but he looked fine to me.

“There was a really big cake and Piers was going to give everyone a piece to take home with them, but he had to take it all home by himself.”

Despite the poor turn out, Morgan was happy that his celebrity friends had left each other voice-mails saying they would not be going.

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Only possible reason to drop litter is 'being a dick', say experts

SCIENTISTS have been unable to identify a single worthwhile reason for dropping litter.

As Britain becomes submerged in crisp packets and other non bio-degradable detritus, researchers struggled to find a reason why you would not just put it in the fucking bin.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “If someone robs a loaf of bread from the supermarket, or even a ton of money from a bank, you can kind of get that. It’s fulfilling a need or desire.

“Even if someone does a murder, maybe the victim was a viral marketing expert which would make it understandable.

“But there is nothing to be gained by chucking your empty Tango can, Quavers Grab Bag or Minstrels packet on the floor.

“They will not rot. The wind will not carry them away like wishes, they will just gather in the nearest hedge looking horrible and making everyone depressed.”

Professor Brubaker confirmed that there were bins absolutely everywhere: “You cannot walk down a street without tripping over bins.

“They are big and bin-shaped, perfect for putting things into.”

Dirty bastard Tom Booker said: “I just use things up and then discard them willy nilly – friends, partners, Twix wrappers.

“I am wrong in the soul, you wouldn’t like me.”