Cameron and Miliband set out horrible, soul-destroying choice

DAVID Cameron and Ed Miliband have confirmed that one of them is going to be prime minister in a few weeks.

As the election campaign began, the party leaders cemented Britain’s worst fears, dashing any hopes that the next prime minister might actually be good at it.

Speaking outside Number 10, Cameron said: “The next person to walk through that door will be me or Ed Miliband. I’ll be honest, after five years I was hoping to have a more compelling argument.

“Anyway, I’m just going to stand here until you decide.”

Shuffling into view alongside Cameron, Miliband added: “I didn’t go to Eton. Any questions?”

Voter Jane Thompson, from Peterborough, said: “I had hoped for a last minute candidate who was strong, wise and pragmatic, rather than some smarmy M&S fucker who wants me to be his chum.”

Martin Bishop, from Hatfield, added: “I thought Michael Sheen was going to put his name forward? I like him and I think he’s related to Martin Sheen who was very good in The West Wing.

“I know, I would actually prefer an actor. How fucked up is that?”

Cameron had earlier met with the Queen who warned him that if he loses to Miliband she would ‘turn him into Dan Akroyd from Trading Places, but without the happy ending’.

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Naomi Klein’s great hair detracting from serious message

ACTIVIST and author Naomi Klein’s hair looks too good, it has been claimed.

Best-selling writer Klein, renowned for her scathing critiques of capitalism, is currently focusing on our planet’s impending environmental collapse.

However, there are concerns that her hair looks too good.

Marketing manager Susan Traherne said: “Her arguments about climate change are persuasive, but they struggle to cut through because of how well that hair suits the shape of her face and her skin tone.

“I like her books, but maybe she should downgrade her hair to something more dated or severe. Because it looks too fucking awesome.”

Scientist Stephen Malley said: “Klein is one of the highest-profile advocates of climate change, but I’m not sure whether her outstanding hair is working for or against us.

“It is not a sexist thing. I mean, I would like that haircut and I’m a 53-year-old man. It’s serious but playful, it confers status but also looks very soft.

“However its remarkable perfection is distracting, and it’s sad to think that exceptional hairdressing could be indirectly responsible for the extinction of all human life.”