DAVID Cameron and Ed Miliband have confirmed that one of them is going to be prime minister in a few weeks.
As the election campaign began, the party leaders cemented Britain’s worst fears, dashing any hopes that the next prime minister might actually be good at it.
Speaking outside Number 10, Cameron said: “The next person to walk through that door will be me or Ed Miliband. I’ll be honest, after five years I was hoping to have a more compelling argument.
“Anyway, I’m just going to stand here until you decide.”
Shuffling into view alongside Cameron, Miliband added: “I didn’t go to Eton. Any questions?”
Voter Jane Thompson, from Peterborough, said: “I had hoped for a last minute candidate who was strong, wise and pragmatic, rather than some smarmy M&S fucker who wants me to be his chum.”
Martin Bishop, from Hatfield, added: “I thought Michael Sheen was going to put his name forward? I like him and I think he’s related to Martin Sheen who was very good in The West Wing.
“I know, I would actually prefer an actor. How fucked up is that?”
Cameron had earlier met with the Queen who warned him that if he loses to Miliband she would ‘turn him into Dan Akroyd from Trading Places, but without the happy ending’.