Man at dinner party may be leader of the Liberal Democrats

A SMARTLY-DRESSED man at a posh dinner party may well be Tim Farron, fellow guests have realised.

Suspicions began to grow that the man, who is in his mid-40s and of average height and weight, was the leader of a minority political party between the main and pudding courses.

Julian Cook of Devizes said: “He’s a Tim, but that doesn’t mean anything by itself. There are lots of Tims.

“But when I asked what he did for a living, he replied ‘Aside from the obvious?’ and told me actually it’s a very demanding position despite what happened last year, which left me no nearer.

“He does know Nick Clegg. Still, I suppose so do lots of people.”

Susan Traherne, who hosted the party, admitted she has known Tim since university but has never really been sure of his occupation.

She said: “He was planning to go into politics but I never heard anything else about it so assumed he’d given up on the idea. But the orange tie, the general hopelessness, I should’ve figured it out.

“I’ve a dreadful feeling I was slagging off the Lib Dems in the kitchen earlier in the evening. I hope he didn’t hear.”

Tim Farron said: “Oh for God’s sake. This is like the ninth time I’ve told them.”

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All Brexit arguments settled by 0.5 per cent third-quarter growth

ALL debates about the negative impact of Brexit have been settled for good by Britain’s 0.5 per cent third-quarter growth.

Leading Remain campaigners, including former chancellor George Osborne, are preparing public apologies and the nation’s 16 million Remain voters are expected to follow suit.

Joanna Kramer of Bristol said: “It’s not easy to admit you’re wrong but I don’t see I have any choice.

“Britain is thriving with only a 0.2 per cent decline on expected growth, national pride has exploded into a proud display of healthy scepticism towards supposed child refugees, and I was a fool.

“How could I have been so blind not to see that glory would be upon us this soon, if only we had the courage to take back control?

“I’m sorry, everyone. I’m sorry I was a traitor.”

Brexit voter Stephen Malley said: “What am I going to do for conversation now?”