Man with lyrics to ‘How Soon Is Now’ tattooed on his arm starting to think Morrissey may be an arse 

A MAN who has Morrissey’s lyrics tattooed on his body is finally starting to realise the former Smiths frontman is an arsehole.

As the singer claimed the UKIP leadership vote was rigged to stop an anti-Islamic candidate being elected, Martin Bishop admitted he was now looking into the cost of tattoo-removal procedures.

Bishop said: “The day I had ‘You shut your mouth, How can you say I go about things the wrong way?’ chiseled into my forearm was one of the proudest of my life. But now I look at it and think, ‘indeed’.”

He added: “I stopped eating meat when I was teenager the second I found out he was a vegetarian. And I once sent Mike Joyce a dog turd in the post because I thought it could actually make Morrissey smile.

“I suppose I could be one of those fans who says, ‘I know he’s difficult, but I just love the poetry’. But no, he’s just a colossal prick.”

Meanwhile, Morrissey fanatic Emma Bradford said: “I’m giving him until the moment he announces he’s going to run for the leadership of the BNP.

“And even then I would have to look very carefully at his policies before making a final decision.”

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Grassroots Tories tell ministers to stop squabbling over Brexit and bring back hanging for shoplifters

GRASSROOTS Tories have told squabbling Cabinet ministers to focus on important issues like hanging and gayness.

Angry delegates at the Tory conference in Manchester warned the party was becoming irrelevant and demanded fresh polices on Latin grammar, the price of stamps and bloodthirsty punishments for a wide range of offences.

Retired engineer Roy Hobbs said: “Hammond and Johnson can trade blows all they like, but how’s that going to stop poofters hanging round playgrounds with bags of sherbert?

“I don’t understand all this fretting about Brexit either. In the constituency parties we all agree it’s time the debate moved on to whether we attack Belgium with warships or bombers.

“And why hasn’t Amber Rudd given a rousing speech about putting all the Trots and junkies in the Channel Tunnel and then blowing it up?”

Retired headmistress Alice Fisher said: “I don’t want to hear about tuition fees and ‘help to buy’, I want to know what Mrs May is going to do about all the Jamaicans.

“The conference needs a debate, chaired by Jacob Rees-Mogg, about the best type of capital punishment for shoplifters. What about feeding them into a meat grinder?

“It’s not all bad. Yesterday I found a stall selling golliwogs.”