Man thinks twice about telling builder interesting fact

A MAN has decided against telling a builder working at his house an interesting fact about the size of England.

Martin Bishop had two builders round to do work in his bathroom when a conversation sprung up about travel and holidays.

Bishop said: “One of the builders, I think his name was Bill or Bob or Jeff, said that he was going to France to get a load of duty-free next week.

“Then I remembered that I’d recently read about how France is three times the size of England and that in South Africa some people own farmland the size of England.

“I ran it through in my head though and imagined them looking like I was a nerd so I decided to leave it and just say ‘yeah, the bloody French.’”

Builder Norman Steele added: “That Martin seemed like a nice bloke. I really didn’t expect him to hate the French so much.”

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Middle class parents studying school catchment areas like generals planning invasion

A PROFESSIONAL couple are studying school catchment areas in a highly strategic manner.

Marketing consultant Tom Booker and his wife Sarah are planning to buy a house near a school with ‘outstanding’ Ofsted ratings, using a pincer movement of above-the-odds house price offers and buttering up headteachers to secure their objective.

Seated in the Command HQ that is the couple’s big tasteful kitchen, Booker said: “Trying to secure high quality state schools for our daughters Sophie and Alexa requires forward planning, careful deployment of resources and, if necessary, the use of tanks.

“What if you move to be near a target school and it subsequently goes downhill, or you move out of an area only for a new headteacher to turn things around with an arts-centric agenda?

“It’s a months-long campaign requiring mental agility, bravery and the willingness to sustain losses in the pursuit of victory.”

Sarah Booker said: “St Mortlock’s C of E has got excellent facilities but according to online reports the staff are not that motivated.

“I suggest we stage a coup, funding a faction of disillusioned teachers to rise up and overthrow the headteacher. We’ll call it Operation Condor.”