Mcelderry Releases Debut Admission Of Homosexuality

X FACTOR winner Joe McElderry’s eagerly-anticipated first admission of gayness is to be released this week.

Joe’s coming out will be available in press release and internet posting formats, entitled I Finally Realise Why I’ve Always Liked The Stage And Quality Furnishings, and reveals the singer’s first glimmerings of self-realisation while watching Hunter on Gladiators during his boyhood teatimes and becoming too distracted to finish his fish fingers.

It is understood that Simon Cowell plans for the singer to subsequently go back into the closet and come back out again on a bi-monthly basis.

An industry insider said: “Mostly these young guys have one big outing, after which interest wanes and they start the downward spiral toward being trapped in a gunge tank with Dean Gaffney on Saturday morning telly.

“This new ‘multi-outings’ business model could extend Joe’s career to as much as two months.”

Since winning the ITV talent show, Joe has been working 16-hour days on his first ‘outing’ with gayness producer Stephen Malley, who also worked on Will Young’s recording-breaking sexual classification.

Malley said: “It has to be gay enough to generate headlines, but not so gay that it alienates the core fanbase of grannies, pre-pubescent girls and people who breathe through their mouths.

“We believe this is a coming out which is accessible and unambiguous but without generating explicit mental images of two men going at each other like horses. I probably shouldn’t have said that.”

McElderry fan 13-year-old Emma Bradford said: “It’s brilliant and I am definitely going to buy the accompanying CD and book. Joe’s coming out makes him seem real and human to me in the same way that vampires do.”


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Pit Bull Owners To Have Testicles Chewed Off By Their Own Dog

MEN who own pitbulls could be sterilised by their own pets, according to new research.

Experts say pitbull-owner breeding has spiralled out of control and have called for an emergency castration programme involving lots of meat paste and massive teeth.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “What you do is pin them to a table, slather their scrotum in cheap paté and let the dog go about its fascinating, primal business.

“I don’t know if it’s the most efficient method of large-scale castration, but I do think it will be fantastic to watch.”

He added: “After a couple of fairly intense minutes you will have a calm, happy dog, an absolutely delighted audience and a nicely castrated human who can no longer make copies of himself.”

Dr Tom Logan, a sociologist at Reading University, said: “I’m not sure I would go down the testicle savaging route necessarily, but it is true that at least half the population has to be sterilised. Immediately.

“I personally believe the best way to do it is to have me, and maybe my friend Ian, walking down the street with a hunting rifle and a big bag full of sterilising darts.

“Inevitably some people will say that it sounds a tiny bit Nazi, but if Hitler had limited himself to sterilising Jews with pitbulls, it would still have been horribly racist but, beyond that, I’m not sure anyone would have made much of a fuss.

“And don’t start getting all Guardian read. ‘Oh, it’s about social conditioning and inequality of opportunity’. Fuck off.”

He added: “Look me in the eye and tell me you that you genuinely disagree with me. Knew it.”

Meanwhile, it emerged last night that Battersea Dogs home is being urged to take in thousands of stray people who use up two parking spaces at a supermarket and deal with them inhumanely.