Mention of 'Miranda' triggers brief interest in Guardian story

BRITONS have been disappointed to discover the Guardian’s ‘Miranda story’ is not about their favourite comedian.

47-year-old Mary Fisher said: “I thought perhaps the government had banned amiable antics-based comedy.

“Also I wanted to read more about the woman behind the pratfalls.

“Turns out it’s a story about computer files. What a waste of time.

“I hate misleading headlines, there should be a law against them, or at least a way of detaining the perpetrators indefinitely.”

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I can't take it much longer without going insane, says proud dad William

PRINCE William has spoken of his joy at becoming a father.

The beaming prince was chatty and laid-back while describing how his infant son seems determined to destroy his sanity.

William said: “I can’t sleep, I can’t think, I feel weird all the time.

“The whole house smells of shit.”

Dressed casually in slacks and an open-necked shirt, the newly-mature prince said: “I just want to get in my helicopter and keep flying, flying to freedom, sweet freedom.”

Showcasing a cheeky sense of humour, Prince William added: “My brother is still just running around nailing loads of models. When I think of that I am filled with envy and dark feelings.”

The personable prince described the drama and emotion of being present at the future king’s birth.

“The baby comes out all covered in gunk.

“I’d seen babies being born on telly but nothing can prepare you for it, especially with the nurses wearing those weird masks and the stench of sweaty hair.

“It was utterly gruesome but the doctors were very stern so I had to stick around.

“Doctors are amazing, they must see nasty stuff every day and they just handle it.”

Gazing wistfully into the middle distance, he added: “We can keep chatting for a bit if you like, it’s nice and quiet here.”