Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You know what Hollywood should do? They should make a film where two photogenic supernatural races are battling and humanity is stuck in the middle.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Sitting on a soft cushion in a recovery ward, you reflect on the fact that getting rid of the vases from your house was not, in fact, a vasectomy.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You confidence in Channel 5 is undermined after youre watching claims the U-boat commander that sunk the most ships was Captain Looselips.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
At a party this weekend a civil engineer will reveal that the M25 was originally called the mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
The push-up bra you bought recently is hopeless. Even when youre wearing it down the gym you can still only do about 10 of them.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You regret studying geology for three years after chatting up a woman by saying “Girl, you so fine you would be classed as ‘colloid’ in the Wentworth system for measuring sediment particles.”
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
After not going to the Edinburgh festival this year, you find what you miss most is the way it brings the best out in people.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If youre struggling to find a university place via clearing, remember that a General Studies A level is essentially the same as being given a certificate after a pub quiz.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
An unexpected visited from Satan this week as he points out that somewhere within the iTunes Terms and Conditions you agreed to be his eternal slave.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
That Avon advert asks why you cant turn your passion into a business, but youve yet to find somebody willing to pay you to slap your own genitals with Dairylea cheese slices.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Ending a long-term relationship can be hard but remember its an opportunity to rediscover who you are as a person, focus on your career and regain some independence. Bags of fresh cock out there, too.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Investigative journalist? You may want to investigate the advantages of Dropbox, it’s perfect for moving large files without anyone getting a full cavity search.