Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You know what Hollywood should do? They should make a film where two photogenic supernatural races are battling and humanity is stuck in the middle.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Sitting on a soft cushion in a recovery ward, you reflect on the fact that getting rid of the vases from your house was not, in fact, a vasectomy.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You confidence in Channel 5 is undermined after you’re watching claims the U-boat commander that sunk the most ships was Captain Looselips.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
At a party this weekend a civil engineer will reveal that the M25 was originally called the mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
The push-up bra you bought recently is hopeless. Even when you’re wearing it down the gym you can still only do about 10 of them.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You regret studying geology for three years after chatting up a woman by saying “Girl, you so fine you would be classed as ‘colloid’ in the Wentworth system for measuring sediment particles.”

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
After not going to the Edinburgh festival this year, you find what you miss most is the way it brings the best out in people.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If you’re struggling to find a university place via clearing, remember that a General Studies A level is essentially the same as being given a certificate after a pub quiz.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
An unexpected visited from Satan this week as he points out that somewhere within the iTunes Terms and Conditions you agreed to be his eternal slave.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
That Avon advert asks why you can’t turn your passion into a business, but you’ve yet to find somebody willing to pay you to slap your own genitals with Dairylea cheese slices.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Ending a long-term relationship can be hard but remember it’s an opportunity to rediscover who you are as a person, focus on your career and regain some independence. Bags of fresh cock out there, too.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Investigative  journalist? You may want to investigate the advantages of Dropbox, it’s perfect for moving large files without anyone getting a full cavity search.

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ATOS rates Cameron fit for work

DAVID Cameron has been assessed as ‘fit for work’ despite claims of crippling back pain.

The prime minister has hit out at assessment agency ATOS, claiming that his phenomenally bad back has made running the country ‘impossible’.

Cameron described how the constant nagging pain had left him unable to relax, stalk deer or grease up and bend over for lobbyists.

He said: “How can I possibly negotiate energy exports with Vladimir Putin when I can’t even get the saddle on, let alone get down on all fours like a good horsey?

“And less than 24 hours after I’m diagnosed the Obamas have got Nick Clegg drinking from my water dish and sleeping in my basket, almost like I never existed.

“On a more positive note, I’ve discovered they have old Keith Floyd cookery programmes on telly in the day.”

An ATOS spokesman said: “David Cameron was strapped to a gurney, only able to answer questions with tiny eye movements and communicated that he was in unbearable pain before soiling himself catastrophically.

“According to both government ‘recommendations’, we rated him fully fit for heavy physical work as a dockside stevedore, Zumba instructor or, at a push, prime minister.

“And besides, we’ve got video footage of him refereeing a polo match for a cash-in-hand payment last weekend.”