Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You know what Hollywood should do? They should make a film where two photogenic supernatural races are battling and humanity is stuck in the middle.

bobinsideVirgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Sitting on a soft cushion in a recovery ward, you reflect on the fact that getting rid of the vases from your house was not, in fact, a vasectomy.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You confidence in Channel 5 is undermined after you’re watching claims the U-boat commander that sunk the most ships was Captain Looselips.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
At a party this weekend a civil engineer will reveal that the M25 was originally called the mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
The push-up bra you bought recently is hopeless. Even when you’re wearing it down the gym you can still only do about 10 of them.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You regret studying geology for three years after chatting up a woman by saying “Girl, you so fine you would be classed as ‘colloid’ in the Wentworth system for measuring sediment particles.”

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
After not going to the Edinburgh festival this year, you find what you miss most is the way it brings the best out in people.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If you’re struggling to find a university place via clearing, remember that a General Studies A level is essentially the same as being given a certificate after a pub quiz.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
An unexpected visited from Satan this week as he points out that somewhere within the iTunes Terms and Conditions you agreed to be his eternal slave.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
That Avon advert asks why you can’t turn your passion into a business, but you’ve yet to find somebody willing to pay you to slap your own genitals with Dairylea cheese slices.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Ending a long-term relationship can be hard but remember it’s an opportunity to rediscover who you are as a person, focus on your career and regain some independence. Bags of fresh cock out there, too.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Investigative  journalist? You may want to investigate the advantages of Dropbox, it’s perfect for moving large files without anyone getting a full cavity search.