Middle-aged female celebrity wondering if you've heard of the menopause

A FEMALE celebrity looking for a way to get back into the public eye is wondering if you have ever heard of the menopause.

Francesca Johnson, who was a well-known chat show host in the 2000s, wants to raise awareness about the hormonal struggles facing 50 per cent of the population as they age, but most of all about herself.

Johnson said: “Nobody talks about the menopause, apart from every other ageing female TV personality looking to make a quick buck now their particular brand of celebrity has fallen out of favour.

“But I want to share my own very personal journey of heavy and irregular menstrual cycles, night sweats and random rages. It’s all about embracing natural changes and celebrating womanhood, while at the same time scaring you about how awful it’s going to be.

“The menopause brings self-discovery and freedom, plus a great opportunity to launch yet another podcast or book into an already saturated market. You need to know all the gory details about my dodgy pelvic floor. Also I’d like to flog you some suspicious hormone balancing supplements on Instagram.”

Helen Archer, 49, said: “Yes, it’s an important subject, but I can find out everything I need to know without also getting too much information about a washed-up chat show host’s vaginal dryness.”

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The bigger the house, the more miserable the marriage, experts confirm

MOST couples who live in massive houses with multiple reception rooms and a large garden f**king hate each other, a new study has shown.

These homes, which feature super king beds, a study and a snug, mean the couple can go for approximately two weeks without touching, speaking or even having to acknowledge each other.

Dr Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The common perception is that couples in small flats and houses get on each other’s tits, but actually having a small double bed leads to more shagging, and no spare room means you have to make up after a fight.

“In a large house, the extra space means more fights about what furniture to buy and whether a hot tub is tacky or not, and of course there’s a larger dishwasher to badly stack.

“That said, the most despondent couples were ones with SUVs, which are a cry for help. They say: ‘I hate myself and my life so I’ve bought a great big cocoon that I can use to hide out on my sweeping gravel driveway.'”

Rich husband Julian Cook said: “I detest my wife. We should accept we’re fundamentally incompatible, get divorced and carve new, more fulfilling paths in life. Or we could convert the loft.”