To summon the goddess Eris: the real reasons women go to the bathroom in groups

CURIOUS as to why women scuttle off to the bathroom in groups of eight? Wondering what they really get up to in there? Find out here.

Revert to their true lizard form

Contrary to popular belief, women are not human beings. They are in fact towering lizard people lumbering around in clever skin suits. These disguises make their scales itch though, and women can only last a few hours before they need to peel them off and give each other’s coarse, reptilian skin a good scratch. Why else do you think they always take so f**king long in there?

Summon the goddess Eris

If a night out is starting to drag, women retire to the ladies to summon the Greek goddess of strife and discord. This involves dancing around the arcane glyphs and cabalistic symbols painted on the floor of every women’s toilet, and always leads to unprecedented levels of mirth and mayhem. You’ll never know the real secrets of their dark magyk though, because you’re not in their WhatsApp group.

Feast on the flesh of their enemies

Every woman carries around a scrap of flesh that used to belong to one of her enemies in her handbag. When they go to the bathroom, they snack on these morsels of unfaithful ex-boyfriends, mansplaining colleagues and sexist builders while comparing notes on how they taste. They’ll say they’re adjusting their makeup but this is what they’re really doing.

Plot the downfall of men

Yes, everything blokes fear is true. When women ‘go to the loo’, they’re actually conducting a top secret, no-boys-allowed meeting about how to bring down men in a James Bond villain-style evil lair. There’s a big world map on the wall, a countdown ticking away ominously, the works. Everything’s going according to plan too, so watch out fellas.

Compare and swap dick pics

Women have much more sophisticated and mysterious ways of going to the toilet than men. So when they visit the bathroom they’re actually taking a little break to compare and swap the dick pics they’ve received like trading cards. Together they’ve almost got a full set of every desperate man on the planet. Just a few dozen more to go.

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Ex now hot again

A WOMAN is furious that the man who was unkempt and slovenly when they were going out has got his shit together and looks good again.

Lauren Hewitt saw a photo of ex Jack Browne on a mutual friend’s Instagram and was annoyed to see he no longer looked like the sack of shit she recalled from when they broke up.

Hewitt said: “When our relationship ended, he was a mess. He’d basically spent the previous year cosplaying as a slug.

“His personal hygiene was atrocious, he’d given up wearing anything that fastened with buttons or a zip and he only rolled off the sofa to go to the fridge for another Peperami.

“And now I see a picture of him on a beach with a sharp haircut and a nice tan. He’s almost got a six-pack, for f**k’s sake. When we were dating the only six-packs I saw were the ones of Grolsch that he would drink every night while playing Fortnite.”

Browne said: “I’ve had to get myself together since I’m back on the market, but I can’t bloody wait to snare a new girlfriend so I can go completely to seed again.”