Complete losers' football teams facing relegation again

THE total loserdom of tens of thousands of football fans is shortly to be confirmed when their crap football clubs are deservedly relegated.

Fans of Leeds, Everton and Blackpool will once again come face-to-face with what utter failures they are in life and in the clubs that represent them.

Jack Browne, a fan of already-relegated Southampton, said: “I always suspected I was a small-town loser who only existed for others to score easy points off, and this confirms it.

“Everyone knows I’m a Saint, so everyone will now associate me with not being able to cut it at the top level and slinking out almost unnoticed. Which is fair.”

Leicester fan Steve Malley agreed: “My glory years will forever be behind me. Indeed once my club, and by extension myself, returns to its true, mediocre level they’ll haunt and hurt me.

“I thought our victories made me special, so it’s only fair that I accept relegation is my fault, my destiny and my future. Proof if it was needed that 2016 was a one-off and I am and always will be a dead loss.”

He added: “Or Leeds lose at West Ham, we beat Newcastle and they’re shit and we’re f**king brilliant and my divorce is off. Could go either way. That’s football.”

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Zelda-playing teenager builds Hyrule's most monumental dick

A ZELDA-PLAYING 16-year-old has constructed a wood-and-stone fire-ejaculating penis that is the most impressive in all Hyrule.

James Bates got his copy of the game intending to free the land from the chaos of demon lord Ganondorf before instead spending countless hours using Ultrahand to construct enormous, terrifying war-machine cocks.

He said: “This is definitely the best Zelda yet. Not just because of the dicks, but mainly.

“There’s stuff I’m meant to be doing – sandstorms, blizzards, shit going down at Death Mountain – but after years honing my penile construction skills in Minecraft, I’m letting loose. I can’t get to Master Kohga and find none of my dicks are big enough.

“This one, which I call the Super Kaiju Dong, is made of tree trunks, steel, Guardian components and wheels to create a 90ft drivable penis tank with fire cannon. It’s a joy to tool around in.

“But I’m working on something truly spectacular. A membrum virile so vast, so unmatchably huge that it will link the three tiers of Hyrule and reunite the kingdom. I’d have finished it but my dad keeps nicking the Switch.”

Father Andrew Bates said: “He thinks those are dicks? He should log in using my account. Then he’d see dicks.”