Millionaire Actors Told To Cheer The F*ck Up

YOUNG multi-millionaire actors were last night urged to stop being so angst-ridden and just cheer the fuck up.

Experts said that instead of droning on about their emotions, they should remind themselves they earn more money than they could ever need for dressing up and playing pretend.

The move came as Hollywood actor Christian Bale was questioned by police for allegedly assaulting his mother after she told him he was Welsh.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "There are pressures attached to fame and money, but they're the pressures of everyone thinking you're great and having a long queue of women offering to blow you 24 hours a day.

"For instance, these young men have a far better chance than I do of having sex with the likes of Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Alba. Or what about that Tara Reid? She seems up for it.

"And after all the money and the awards and the five-star oral, you can offer the world your opinions and people will take you seriously even though you're just a tit.

"So instead of losing your temper, why not give us a nice, big smile, given that your life is, after all, just one long fucking dream come true?"

Professor Brubaker added: "To give you an example, If I was a millionaire actor who was feeling a bit glum, I'd just make loads of jelly and have a big jelly party.

"Or, if the weather was nice, I'd buy some Scotch eggs from Tesco and go and sit in the park."

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Animal Shatters 100m World Record

ANIMAL was yesterday hailed as the fastest Muppet alive after shattering the 100m world record.

The crazy-eyed drummer clocked a time of 9.69 seconds at the Stockholm Grand Prix, slicing three one-hundredths off the record set by Jamaica's Usain Bolt.

Animal's world-beating performance is the best by a drummer this year and confirms their continued ascendancy in the track and field arena.

The 32 year-old Muppet is now looking forward to an Olympic showdown in Beijing with Phil Collins, Mickey Dolenz from the Monkees and Coldplay's Will Champion.

This summer's games will also be the swansong for Neil Peart of Rush who is hoping to defend his pole vault title for the last time.

Wayne Hayes, editor of Athletic Drummer magazine, said: "Drummers have become steadily more successful since Charlie Watts took bronze in the 1968 Olympic triple jump.

"The high point is still the 4×400 relay victory in Montreal by four of the surviving drummers from Black Sabbath."

He added: "Drummers just love to run and skip and jump, and of course these days they take fewer drugs than many of the top athletes."

An ecstatic Animal said last night: "Ah-ha-ha-ha. Eat drums. Eat Drums."