Moaning about buildings: Things Charles is going to have to jack in now he's King

AND so the boy has become a man. At the tender age of 74, Prince Charles is now King Charles. But that means leaving behind his earlier obsessions in his important new role as meaningless figurehead.


Charles is not a fan of new-fangled, post-18th century carbuncles. So he’ll have to grit his teeth when he’s required to open a great many such buildings. At a new swimming baths in Milton Keynes, full of staff in ghastly tracksuits, he’ll have to learn to say ‘Very good’ slightly convincingly, not: ‘What a rancid cesspit of vileness! I fear I may faint from the ugliness!’’

Writing letters to MPs about how appalling everything is and something must be done

Writing spidery screeds in fits of impotent rage is not becoming of a monarch. Charles’ beefs about traffic cones, ‘cookies’, tin openers that aren’t as good as the old ones, the dying art of cufflink-making and malfunctioning fountain pens will all have to be suppressed, like a fart at a banquet for a brutal dictator.

Talking to plants

Forget it, Charles. Your role is to maintain international relations by hosting banquets and greeting foreign leaders. If you break off from one of them to chat informally to a potted rhododendron, a diplomatic incident could ensue. And definitely don’t introduce it as ‘My good friend Roger’.

Caring about the environment

Vitally important. You must emulate your mother and stay entirely neutral on the environment. Are rising sea levels, scorching temperatures, floods, famine and wildfires a good thing or a bad thing? You must have no opinion. This will avoid a clash with the current government, which gives the impression of wanting to depth charge whales just to annoy the greenies.

Saying anything about anything

This, in a nutshell, is the secret of the monarchy. Be as neutral as one of your beloved pot plants. If you feel the urge to share an opinion about anything at all, remind yourself of that embarrassing time you expressed an urge to be a tampon. Only that way can you fulfil your core royal duties – waving at people, shooting small birds in an extremely unfair contest, and weaselling out of tax when it suits you.

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Capped energy bills to only bankrupt half of businesses

THE government’s decision to cap wholesale energy prices will only lead to half of UK businesses going bankrupt, it has been confirmed.

By cutting energy bills to a price that is still way higher than what they were a couple of years ago, experts predict that only a mere 50 per cent of the UK’s industry will be driven to financial ruin.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute of Studies, said: “The words ‘energy bills’ and ‘cut’ look nice together, don’t they? But don’t forget that’s in relation to expected levels, which were so f**king massive you couldn’t comprehend them.

“It’s still going to cost a fortune to keep the lights on and the wheels turning or whatever it is businesses do. And it’s not like anyone’s going to buy what most of them produce because nobody’s got a pot to piss in.

“That means by this time next year all but the largest and most corrupt of businesses will go under. You’ll moan about it for a bit, then cheer up when you realise Amazon and McDonald’s are still going and it’s just the independent shops that have gone kaput.

“You didn’t buy anything from them anyway. You always thought about it when you walked past, but you never did. And soon they’ll be gone forever.”