AND so the boy has become a man. At the tender age of 74, Prince Charles is now King Charles. But that means leaving behind his earlier obsessions in his important new role as meaningless figurehead.
Architecture
Charles is not a fan of new-fangled, post-18th century carbuncles. So he’ll have to grit his teeth when he’s required to open a great many such buildings. At a new swimming baths in Milton Keynes, full of staff in ghastly tracksuits, he’ll have to learn to say ‘Very good’ slightly convincingly, not: ‘What a rancid cesspit of vileness! I fear I may faint from the ugliness!’’
Writing letters to MPs about how appalling everything is and something must be done
Writing spidery screeds in fits of impotent rage is not becoming of a monarch. Charles’ beefs about traffic cones, ‘cookies’, tin openers that aren’t as good as the old ones, the dying art of cufflink-making and malfunctioning fountain pens will all have to be suppressed, like a fart at a banquet for a brutal dictator.
Talking to plants
Forget it, Charles. Your role is to maintain international relations by hosting banquets and greeting foreign leaders. If you break off from one of them to chat informally to a potted rhododendron, a diplomatic incident could ensue. And definitely don’t introduce it as ‘My good friend Roger’.
Caring about the environment
Vitally important. You must emulate your mother and stay entirely neutral on the environment. Are rising sea levels, scorching temperatures, floods, famine and wildfires a good thing or a bad thing? You must have no opinion. This will avoid a clash with the current government, which gives the impression of wanting to depth charge whales just to annoy the greenies.
Saying anything about anything
This, in a nutshell, is the secret of the monarchy. Be as neutral as one of your beloved pot plants. If you feel the urge to share an opinion about anything at all, remind yourself of that embarrassing time you expressed an urge to be a tampon. Only that way can you fulfil your core royal duties – waving at people, shooting small birds in an extremely unfair contest, and weaselling out of tax when it suits you.
