Pensioners watching smart meter like it's a telly

A PENSIONER couple have moved their smart energy meter to the coffee table and sit watching it all day, they have confirmed.

Norman and Jean Steele, who abhor waste, have agreed that now the Queen’s funeral is over there is nothing on television as fascinating as the tiny fluctuations of their energy usage.

Jean said: “It’s his turn to put the kettle on while I stay and watch the meter. There’s little as thrilling than watching that pence-per-hour figure surge.

“The other day we had the oven on for a roast while we had the stove on, then I started washing up. The thing was going crazy! We were so spellbound I burnt the chicken.

“We keep a little notepad by it so we’ve got a record of the cost of things. 35p for a shower, 2p for a cup of tea, itemising it then doing a weekly total. The meter does that for you but we like to keep it honest.

“Our grandson was around last week with one of those game consoles. Two-and-a-half pence an hour, can you believe it. And that’s not counting the ha’penny for the TV.”

She added: “It’s alright, we can afford it, we’ve got final-salary pensions.”

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Reed diffusers, and other household objects men struggle to understand

HOME can be a confusing place for men, who find themselves surrounded by shit they cannot comprehend. Here, bewildered bloke Martin Bishop explains.

Reed diffusers

Half-a-dozen bits of twig stood in a jar of oil. What’s that about? Apparently they make the place smell nice, but what’s the point when I’ve been eating a takeaway jalfrezi on my lap and the living room already smells as good as when I walk past the Taj Mahal curry house in town?

Excessive cushions

Eight on the sofa, five on the bed. Why? There’s only two of us, how comfortable do we need to be? Though admittedly, they do come in handy when I get home too pissed to manage the stairs and chuck them on the floor as a makeshift bed.

House plants

Plants are meant to live outside, where all the sunshine and rain and things they need to survive are. Keeping them indoors is completely illogical, but that didn’t stop me getting in the shit when I used it as an excuse for accidentally killing them when my wife was on that girls holiday in Turkey.

Table runners

A thin strip of cloth that nowhere near covers the width of the table. What’s it for, aside from getting me a bollocking when I stood my coffee mug on it and left a circular stain? I was trying to avoid marking the varnish, which is also a crime. Such a mystery.

Full-length mirror

The only thing I need a mirror for is to shave in, or occasionally brush my hair, and the little one on the bathroom wall is perfect. How can anyone need to check what they’re wearing when they’ve just put their clothes on and can look down at themselves?

Pillar candles

Huge bloody things. Two on the fireplace, another on the dining table. And none of them have ever been lit. It’s like living in a cross between a Catholic cathedral and the blackouts of the 70s. Come to think of it, we could burn them to save having the lights on this winter. I’ll suggest it tonight, she’s bound to think it’s a brilliant idea.