I remain very much the victim here, asserts Putin

PRESIDENT Putin has asserted that he, and his poor beleaguered invading army, remain very much the victims in Ukraine.

In a self-pitying speech to Russia this morning, Putin explained that he and his troops were peaceably occupying Ukrainian territory when the West started picking on them like a bunch of bullies.

He continued: “Why? What have we done to you?

“My fellow Russians, I know you don’t want to believe this, but when our soldiers rolled into Ukraine expecting to be welcomed with open arms, you know what they did? Shot at us.

“I know! And it’s only got worse because the West keeps supplying them with weapons so of course they’re going to use them because they’re spoilt.

“They’re even trying to stop our referendums now, if you entertained a moment’s doubt about who the bad guys are here. Opposing democracy. It doesn’t get much worse than that.

“So, purely as an anti-bullying initiative, I’m mobilising 300,000 reservists and we’ve got nukes. Who mentioned nukes? I didn’t mention nukes. They said it first.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Queen's final act of service was making Phil and Holly look like tits

THE last selfless deed Queen Elizabeth did for Britain was to create the queue that Holly and Phil have been eviscerated for jumping, royal experts have confirmed.

After hundreds of thousands of people stood patiently for hours to see Her Majesty’s coffin, the This Morning hosts foolishly cut in at the front and instantly trashed their reputations.

Royal biographer Sir Denys Finch Hatton said: “The Queen was a dedicated public servant, so it’s only appropriate that even in death she was making this country a better place by showing Phil and Holly up.

“People already viewed them as crass and thoughtless after they did that ‘Spin to Win’ game where you could get your energy bills paid, so it didn’t take much, but Her Majesty always did have a lightness of touch.

“They’ve tried to weasel out of it by saying they were doing a report, but it’s not like they’re journalists is it? They present an inane daytime magazine programme where they regularly patronise ordinary people. They obviously thought they were above the queue.

“But nobody was above the queue. So we shall be forever grateful to the Queen for outing these two as bellends. God bless you, ma’am.”