Five signs you've been at your job too long

WORRIED you’ve been at your job for so long that you’ve become institutionalised? Watch out for these signs:

You’ve blandly written ‘Good luck!’ in 52 leaving cards

Your colleagues keep leaving for reasons you don’t understand, like ‘more money’ or ‘career progression’, whereas you’ve got staying power. Either that or you’re terrified. Whatever the reason, you’ll doggedly go in every day until the company goes into liquidation or they force you to retire.

You’ve watched the CEO grow up

When Steve Malley started he was a sales admin assistant with a cheeky grin who nearly got fired for accidentally sending his boss some porn because no one understood email in 1998. Now he’s worked his way up to the top, earns almost triple what you do, and affectionately calls you ‘Grandad’, which has become your embarrassing work nickname.

You’re the only person who can change the toner in the printer

You’ve worked in this place longer than that printer has been alive and you jealously guard the secrets of its inner workings. Unfortunately, the office is now paper-free, which means your skills in the ancient art of changing a toner cartridge are pretty much obsolete, like you.

You know who all the abandoned mugs belong to

When someone new joins the company you show them the ropes because you’ve been there the longest. Part of the tour includes showing them the cupboard of abandoned mugs and explaining they can use one until they bring their own. ‘You can even use Bill McKay’s huge Sports Direct mug which he left here in 2011’, you joke, while they look desperately around for a way to escape you.

Nobody likes you

You’ve hung around in this place for so long that people treat you like the smell of a lingering fart, by closing their eyes and backing away. However, they can’t make you redundant because your pay out would be huge, so they’re going to wearily put up with you until you can be put out to pasture in another eleven years’ time.

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Date wants to know number of men you've slept with purely for unbiased research purposes

A MAN is only asking his date how many sexual partners she has had because of his voracious intellectual curiosity, not because he will judge her on the answer.

Despite posing the question insistently, Jack Browne has maintained that he is only inquiring into Lucy Parry’s sexual history as an independent researcher, not as someone who is invested in sleeping with her himself.

Browne said: “I’m a lover of data and of science, that’s all. I’m just gathering information to add to my data pool. Not because I feel threatened by your past.”

“It’s weird for you to act like that kind of thing is private. To me it’s the same as the number of rings on a tree, the carbon particles per million in a cubic feet of air, or the success rate of the pick-up artists on the podcasts I listen to.

“I definitely don’t have an ideal number in my mind that I would find appropriate. It’s just interesting. And not interesting because I can use it to generalise about you as a person, but because of the truths it speaks about human sexuality.

“Let’s get that figure out there and then start breaking it down into sub-categories, just to make sure my data’s untainted by bias. The first one would be blowjobs.”

Browne explained he was reluctant to share his own number of sexual partners because he was not currently conducting research in that area and so failed to see how it was relevant.