Are your parents rich enough for you to succeed without talent?

DEVOID of useful skills or redeeming qualities? If your parents are rich enough that won’t be any obstacle to you getting ahead in life: 

Did you attend private school?

A) Yes. Because my parents cared about me. And because they wanted me to build a network of contacts sufficient to give me a head-start in any field I care to dabble in.
B) No. Those f**king places cost £31,000 a year and normal school is free. Pissing about with the kids of city bankers and oligarchs was denied me.

Did they get you into a good university?

A) Yes. Your A-levels were an absolute car-crash, but your parents slung a few grand at their old university to get you in on some bullshit scholarship. Mere results can’t stand in the way of your success.
B) No. You had to apply through UCAS to get into uni like everyone else and Oxford turned you down flat because you’re from Mansfield. And now you’ve emerged £30k in debt with an arts degree.

Do they own a city apartment?

A) Yes, of course. Dad used to commute before he sold the business, so he’s still got a little place off Grosvenor Square I’m crashing in for the mo.
B) No. Because like everyone they own or rent a single property and can’t afford that, so you spend 70 per cent of your net salary renting a room in a shared house in Penge.

Can they get you work in their company?

A) Yes, despite failing your way through uni in a haze of cocaine and rowing you’ll soon be an intern at your father’s law firm before moving up to a starting position on £100k a year.
B) No. If absolutely pushed they might be able to get you an interview for three days a week as the receptionist’s maternity cover.

Are they supportive of your goals?

A) Yes. They ploughed around a hundred grand into the organic hummus brand I launched, because of my deep passion for hummus, which collapsed within six months. But they claimed the loss back against tax.
B) Emotionally yes. Financially no. They paid for university, they can’t afford a two-year internship with a web shorts production company.


Mostly As: Your lack of talent is irrelevant. Without actually having to do anything you’ll find yourself a millionaire by 30 and if you’re really useless you can always become a Tory MP.

Mostly Bs: You are a normal human being and therefore f**ked. But you know this already.

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Having a wank and other things it is now okay to do

WITH the mourning period officially over, a normal life of self-abuse can resume. You are now cleared to do these things: 

Have a wank

Finally, after ten whole days of respectful abstinence, you are free to enjoy one off the wrist. Although not explicitly verboten during the mourning period, the whiplash of flitting between the filth you need to get off and footage of the coffin would be too strong. There was a risk you could conflate the two.

Change out of mourning dress

The plain, creased black T-shirt you’ve been wearing since the news came in on September 9th can now be clumsily shoved back into the drawer. It has done its duty and will not be needed again for another 30 years, God willing, or until you get called for jury duty. You can now don your accustomed garb: ironic T-shirts with unremovable turmeric stains.

Acknowledge the monarchy’s flaws

A period of politely ignoring the monarchy’s links to colonialism, and the bankrolling of jeweled crowns and golden carriages while the country sinks into a cost-of-living crisis, has ended. As of today though you can tut and roll your eyes whenever the Windsors are mentioned. Give it a week before calling them a carnival of twats though, to be safe.

Enjoy a single second of happiness

In case you’ve forgotten, happiness is a state of emotional joy. You used to feel it watching a viral video of a cat or hearing about an old schoolfriend’s career failure. It will feel wrong to experience happiness in a world without the Queen, but she’d want you to. Possibly at the expense of Boris Johnson fuming at not giving a speech yesterday.

Feel sad about something else

The Queen has had a monopoly on sadness for the last ten days, and rightly so. But now she’s gone, there are smaller issues to feel miserable about. From climate change to your inability to pay rent to supporting Leicester City, a whole catalogue of woes awaits you. A change is as good as a rest so focus your depression on these topics instead.