A day that made everyone bemused to be British

YESTERDAY was a day unique in our recent history. A day that cannot be matched. A day that saw the whole nation bemused to be British. 

From the Shetland Isles to the Scilly Isles, from Strabane to Dungeness, from babes in arms to centegenarians, a country came together to say ‘What’s that they’re putting on the coffin now? The what standard? Is that orb glued down?’

No matter who or where you were, every Briton watched proceedings in patriotic befuddlement, asking ‘Are those the Queen’s guards? No? The Grenadier guards? The Royal Horse Guards? Well which are they?’

As the procession passed through London, few us truly understood what was happening, relying entirely on hushed BBC commentary that if we missed a murmur of left us baffled as to who was firing cannons and why.

‘Westminster Abbey’s big, isn’t it? Where are they going now? They surely can’t expect Charles and Camilla to walk all the way to Windsor? Oh, they’ve got in cars,’ was the chorus heard throughout the UK.

As traditions entirely unfamiliar to us unfolded, a whole nation questioned their immediate families as to why Prince Harry was not saluting the Cenotaph, what the Queen’s bargemaster does all day and how exactly they would employ a personal piper.

We clung to those few moments that were comprehensible, and if that included a horse attending the funeral then we did not question them. For this day was stirring, moving and frankly beyond most of us. On this day we were entirely lost.

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Free ride's over, press tells Meghan

BRITAIN’S Royal-loving press have informed the Duchess of Sussex that her little criticism-exempt free ride ends right f**king now. 

Meghan Markle and her husband have enjoyed a break in the UK for his grandmother’s funeral and a break from being relentlessly condemned by media for their every perceived and imagined action that ends today.

Daily Mail journalist Jo Kramer said: “Had a nice time, did we? Did you like not being pulled apart by our battery of dedicated journalistic attack dogs? Well fun’s over, bitch.

“We’ve been good. We’ve barely criticised you. We’ve even allowed it to be implied that you have fulfilled your role in exemplary fashion. We did it for the late Queen’s sake. It was, some believe, what she would have wanted.

“However we, and coincidentally our indoctrinated readership, believe that Her Majesty would actually have wanted us to rip into you, condemn every tiny thing you’ve done as an outrage and an act of war against proper Royals, and to slag you totally the f**k off.

“From tomorrow’s headline onwards, we’re going in two-footed. Your face, your hair, your podcast, your evil manipulative relationship with a husband desperate to escape your clutches and come back to the British media who love him, it’s all fair game.

“You’ve been warned. This is our country. We decide who’s allowed to live in it.”