What I, a proper Briton who was in the Queue, should be allowed to do from now on vs what you should be allowed to do

I WAS there. I joined the queue, stayed in the queue and am one of the exalted. You could have made the effort but didn’t. Here’s how our rights differ going forward: 

I never have to queue again

My waiting is over. I, and my fellow Queuers, have done our queuing and never have to do so again. We go to the front of every queue from now on, whether at the butchers, for a bus or simply for nightclub toilets. We have an Alton Towers Fastrack Pass for life.

You have to salute me

It’s only a little thing but you, and anyone else who thought they were too good to queue, have to snap off a little salute whenever I pass in respect for my sacrifice. Just a little casual one, but every time. Doesn’t matter if you hate it.

The outside lane on the motorway is mine

Just try going in it. You’ll be pulled over, asked if you queued, and when you can’t show your wristband it’s six points on your licence and a £500 fine. That’s our lane now.

You’re not allowed name-brand shoes

Doesn’t matter if it’s Nikes, Hush Puppies or Louboutins, they’re not for you anymore. You can have supermarket own-brand or Shoe Zone or shoes from an outlet mall. ‘You just pay for the label,’ you’ll mutter but we all know the truth.

Only my TV ratings count

I get the BARB thing put on my telly so my favourite programmes are the nation’s favourite programmes. I represented Britain by queuing so it’s only fair. My shows get more series than Midsomer Murders. Your shows are cancelled.

You have to pay for a wee everywhere

No more free pissing. Could be McDonald’s, could be your local library, could be the British Library. You’re paying 20p every time and if you’ve not got the right change that’s your problem.

My call is genuinely very important to them

I don’t do automated. I have a special six-digit code I put in and I’m straight through to a real person, and one who can do everything so I don’t get transferred between departments. Five minutes maximum.

You’re not allowed on PopMaster

Ignored one national institution? Then you’re barred from another. You will never hear Ken Bruce saying you got a very creditable 30 points. That privilege is reserved for those of us who had the fortitude to wait in line. Sorry about your life. You made your choice.

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Man scared to go out

A MAN would quite like to get a breath of fresh air but is concerned that he may not be allowed to do so. 

Jamie Bates of Market Drayton is in the mood for a bit of a stroll to blow the cobwebs off this afternoon, but fears that he may be chased down by an angry mob and strung up from a lamppost, or at the least tutted at.

He said: “At least in lockdown you knew the f**king rules.

“We’ve got the day off, I’ll watch the bit of the funeral that’s on this morning, have a light lunch then go out for a walk. Or can I? Or will something happen?

“There’s nothing official saying you have to stay in. It’s not, like, a law. Nothing’s going to happen to me if I take a stroll, is it? If I wear my baseball cap and sunglasses so nobody knows it’s me?

“Maybe I’ll go by the farm track, then if anyone starts shouting I can just melt into the cornfields like a shadow. This is ridiculous. I’m just scaring myself.”

Bates then spent the rest of the day inside, drawing the curtains when playing on his Xbox ‘just in case’.