Move over, Churchill: who would be our greatest Britons today?

BACK in happier times the nation chose our 100 Greatest Britons and put Churchill at the top. But in the divided country we now live in, who would make the list? 

Wes from Love Island

In the innocence of 2002 we were happy to let also-rans like Charles Darwin and Sir Edward Elgar on the list. But in today’s desperate times heroes like Wes, who rose from obscurity to star in Dancing on Ice and Celebrity X-Factor, give us hope for the future.

Captain Sir Tom Moore

Handily replacing the old Sir Thomas More, who did nothing more than write boring philosophical treatises, centenarian Captain Tom did laps of his garden, raised £32 million for NHS charities and hit number one with Michael Ball. Constitutionally, that earns him the right to marry the Queen if Prince Phillip kicks the bucket.

Marcus Rashford

Able to control a government as deftly as he does a football, as well as feed more people than Jesus, Rashford is just a World Cup final hat-trick from the number one spot, or a red card against the Czech Republic away from becoming an national hate figure.

Nigel Farage

The man who transformed our nation into what it is today surely deserves recognition for his entirely selfless act, performed only to wake the lion that roars in all our hearts. A worthier replacement for Enoch Powell it is hard to imagine.

Ed Sheeran

The flame-haired bard of Framlingham was a mere boy when the list was last compiled and now bestrides the globe as a colossus, proving once again that when it comes to middle-of-the-road pop music we know no equals.

Winston Churchill

Sir Winston would never surrender his place on the list but would inevitably drop a few places because we’ve remembered he was racist. However he’d remain in the top 10 because gammons reckon that the Second World War was the best time ever.

The Go Compare man

We don’t invent stuff anymore. Nobody reads books and you can’t go to plays. Honestly, why not?

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I'm afraid we've got three bubbles in here already, Joseph tells wise men

JOSEPH is not looking forward to telling three wise men from the East that with the shepherds and the angels they already have a three-bubble gathering. 

The stepfather of Jesus had planned a traditional Christmas in a stable in Bethlehem but recognises that, under Covid rules, there is no way a trio of Oriental kings can join the party.

He said: “We were expecting it to be just me and the wife, and of course the ox and the ass, and to be honest we were happy with that. But King Herod’s changed the rules because he hates to look like the bad guy.

“So the shepherds arrived, then the angels of the Lord came down and you can’t really say no, then I looked up and there’s this star directly above the stable and I’m like ‘Uh-oh.’

“They’ve come a long way, they’ve brought gifts, and yes it’s rude to leave them outside but come on. They’re not even one household.

“I know kids can’t usually get it, even more so with his holy radiance, but if the Roman census-takers catch us we’ll be fined 10,000 shekels and I’m a self-employed carpenter.

“I’ll just have to say sorry, there’s no room at the stable attached to the inn, we’re just following yonder science. Maybe Easter?”