My fingers were up there and it snapped shut on them like a trap, Kate explains

THE Princess of Wales has explained that her fingers were injured when an aperture closed on them without warning, causing a fracture.

Kate, who spent a day in a category C prison yesterday for driving offences, had two of the fingers of her right hand bandaged together after suffering the injury during her physically active domestic life.

She said: “I’d popped the fingers in there, like normal, and was about to ease in a third when I felt this particular opening tremble, as if it were on a hair trigger.

“Now granted it’s been through a lot lately, verging on abuse. Stretched past the usual limits and for longer periods, so I can’t be surprised if it’s become rather sensitive.

“But I didn’t heed the warnings, gave a little push and suddenly wham! It’s snapped shut like a clam on my fingers and I’m in agony.

“I had to prise it open with a couple of shoe horns to get them out, and I knew while I was washing them off it was a fracture. Still, it’ll heal soon enough and it’s taught me a lesson that from now on I should only use the proper tools.”

She added: “Gosh, I suppose I’ve ruined the phrase ‘trampolining injury’ for everyone now, haven’t I?”

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Going to a club alone, and other things that make women empowered but men creepy weirdos

THERE are some activities in life that women are celebrated for, while men are branded as perverts. Here are some of the double standards.

Going to a club alone

If a woman goes to a club alone she’s a fierce female who doesn’t need a partner or friends for support when she wants to have a good time. A man, on the other hand, is a desperate creep whose only motivation for being there is getting lucky with women wearing beer goggles. Hardly fair, is it? True, yes, but not fair.

Visiting a nudist beach

Women are encouraged to love their bodies, no matter what shape or size, so throwing off their clothes on a nudist beach is female emancipation in action. If a man goes to a nudist beach, though, he’s a voyeuristic pervert who should be on some kind of register. There’s no way he could just be trying to get an even tan with no lines.

Owning a sex toy

Whether it’s a discreet little bullet vibrator or a ginormous, monstrously-veined dildo, sex toys are liberating and empowering for women, no questions asked. But if you own a fleshlight or, even worse, a blow-up doll, you are utterly disgusting. Although that accusation may not be entirely unjustified if you’re capable of shagging something considerably less sexy than a space hopper.

Enjoying casual sex

While some people will always negatively judge promiscuous women, they’re much more likely to be viewed as knowing what they want and not being afraid to go out and get it. Blokes, however, are called ‘f**kboys’ and castigated for being disrespectful bastards when the inevitable ghosting happens. Still, at least if a woman abruptly ditches a man who was quite into her, he can be proud that he’s done his bit for equality.

Talking about bodily functions

Women are always banging on about their periods nowadays, and are encouraged to do so by everyone from TV adverts to health professionals. However, when men let a big fart proudly rip in the supermarket people view them with revulsion and back away. They’re both bodily functions, but why is one welcomed and the other isn’t? Clearly feminism has gone too far.